hello again...

busy busy busy...year in year out day in day out....hmmm..
somehow i kinda forgotten the fact that i have this thing called the big C in me..
not that i don't wish it would go away( who wouldn't?)but a busy life would really make you do not really think about it so much..unless it's causing you those pain.
i would like to think that many more people have cancer cells growing in their bodies
but too scared to have it checked..i know at least 2 people.
and i also think that many more death are caused by cancer cells..but those people were never diagnosed with cancer.interesting, don't you think?

it's been quite a while that i hit the keyboard for blogging purpose..
have quite busy juggling a career and 4 kids and a darling hubby and also a once in a month drug infusion..today with no internet at home i spent time at a nearby bistro for a wifi facility...
funny, it is so funny..when the wifi at home is ok i did not feel like checking on my blog..now that i have to seek for a wifi in a bistro i willingly spend time putting up new post...just so humanof me to err..

you never value what you have till you lose it...

remember 5 before 5....
what are the 5?

anyway...i have been blessed with pain sensation after each infusion now...
after a few days the pain just subside..
but now the boys have accepted the fact that uh okay..mom is having those ouch ouch moments..they even helped to massage my entire body to help ease the pain..
thank you Allah for these wonderful kids and a darling hubby.
how can i complain of my pain when i have been blessed with so many other wonderful things..

please give me strength to go through all the tests, ya Allah....

Test and more test to score

My third date with Pamidronate is this Saturday.I guess it gives me a chance to say hi and bye to a wedding of a relative or a raya visit to a house or two.Naah..the last time I did it,I got all finally settled at around 4pm,just enough time for me to beat the rush hour out of the ever so busy Kuala Lumpur.What with little big Haiqal insisted that he should be left behind so that he could go to his tuition class that morning..

Just couldn't myself to sleep.Went to Pokok Sena Kedah to visit a friend whose first child died today. Can't say I understand how she feels just because I have lost my first born too. Things are different for her.What is most important is, God knows best. Things somehow fall into places, solving problems that no human could ever think that it is possible.

Earlier this morning, a friend shared with me her problem.Quite a big obstacle she is facing in her adult life I would say.I saw writhing in pain right infront of me.This happen to her most days of the month.That made me rethink of what I am facing.I would say her suffering is more intense and her test ranked much higher than mine.Again,God knows best.

Reached home at 9pm,the TV AlHijrah was showing Khidmat Syariah Ibu Mithali featuring this Puan Haslina who raises 2 physically challenged kids by herself.The boys are all excited about getting education,and the mother struggled to get them to school in all difficulties.Oh Wow!Really, sometimes when you feel like you are facing difficulty that makes you feel like you have already hit rock bottom emotionally...and suddenly you get to look at how other people cope with their own suffering which appears much more than what you are facing,you feel like burying you head out of shame for complaining.

And now, after the glassfull of nescafe ais I drank on my way home from Kedah, I am left with a lappy while all my boys are already enjoying their ZZZZs.How am going to wake tomorrow..hhmmm Mohon Restu day tomorrow.Our special guest is Asyraf the first Imam Muda.I hope I will be able to open my eyes.Talk about my test.I have 148 children sitting for SPM, 135 children sitting for PMR and 1 child sitting for UPSR...Just hope that Asyraf will be able to deliver some motivation to those children.Oh dear God, please let the kids be healthy and fit to be sitting for their examination and please let them ace in all their papers.Please bless them kids with beautiful life here and hereafter.

Bones it is now....

Almost a month ago, I got my CT scan result.Alhamdulillah lungs,heart, liver and everything else looked clear except for the spots in my spine.I went through a bone scan a week later.True enough there are a few spots on my bones are affected by cancer cell.Hmm...and all these happened when my cancer marker showed a wonderful 8.8 reading.Mind boggling I would say...but I do believe everything happen for a reason.So, innalillahiwainnailaihi rojiuun.May Allah bless me and my family.

The cancer cell must be the smarter ones this time. My onc recommended Pamidronate to help my bones to fight the cancer cells.Had my first session last month and I will go though my second one this coming Thursday. Hopefully this time it the side effect won't be as bad as with the first session. The bone pain and aches were quite serious for the first 2 days. Over the week they have become more bearable, thank God.

Alhamdulillah, thank you Allah for I could still carry out my duty as usual although sometimes someone would tell me I look fatigue. Well, sometimes I do feel tired easily, but most of the time things remain the same to me. I did even manage to take part in Teachers and Staff Sport Festival in MRSM Merbok, Kedah. I played several matches of Petanque,alhamdulillah.Thank You Allah.

I spent a week in a Creative Writing Workshop under the coaching of creative writing gurus Alan Maley and Jayakaran Kumandan along with wonderful English teachers from all over Malaysia. Had a great time doing something different. I enjoyed the company of those wonderful teachers. What a week.Thank you God for giving me the chance to learn new things.

My family has also started to take a bigger part in household chores. The kids can cook a decent meal for themselves already. Hubby has long been in charge of laundry and stuff.Thank you Allah for giving them the strength to go through this with me.

Idilfitri pix when it's almost IdilAdha.....hmmmmmm

Been wanting to post the picture taken on the first day of Idilfitri..but it has been quite hectic these last few months..............
Busy...that's what we claim every single day....until the day we take out our last breath. Hopefully.....in between the "busy lifestyle" we live, we manage to always remember why we are here in this world and where we are all heading to.In doing so, we will try to make sure we give our best shot in everything we do in every aspect of our lives.
I believe that's one of the many objectives laid out by of a much hoo ha-ed spiritual motivational course I have just attended. Well, you might personally want some of the activities scrapped from the module, or you might not agree with whichever part of the program..but looking at the bigger picture, when did you last see a wonderfully laid out science facts supported by perfectly chosen excerpt from al Quran using wonderful sound system and clear giant screen done by powerful presenter who painstakingly uses different tones to go for the best effect...? I was more than impressed. I personally think you don't have to agree with every single activity they planned, to agree that this IS the kind of things(with some adjustments here and there) that should be done to help with the social problem we are facing.
When each of us are always reminded of who is our Creator and that inevitably,one day we are going to see Him with all our good deeds(if any) and all our sins...the world would be a safer place to live...for all of us..

Gratefully yours..

It has been a real long time since my last post...Alhamdulillah...I have been very busy with work.Yes,alhamdulillah...because that shows I am as healthy as I can be to perform my duty. Don't complain if your are bogged down with work,thank God cos you still have a job....Don't complain if your children give you headache, thank God cos your are blessed with chidren. Don't complain if your house is in a mess, thank God cos you still a roof above your head...Don't complain if you are limping after a bad fall,thank God for you still have your legs...
The only thing that's bothering me is I'm getting bigger by the day.Been avoiding the scale ever so successfully at home, come a trip to the doctor's office, I'll have no way to avoid getting on that scale....hmm wish I could get the tiny nurse to get on the scale for me..ha ha...Nah...I am not going to blame the medication..It's pure mathematics..calories in is greater than calories out...so you get those calories all over under the skin...hu hu hu...and I have only myself to put the blame on.
My next doctor's appointment is this coming Saturday, and everytime when the time comes,I am blessed with a clear reminder for me to come back to reality...I am a cancer survivor..still monitoring the cancer cell activities.Thank you Allah for everything..for all the reminders you blessed me with...thank you Allah, thank you Allah..

Goodbye Dalilah Tamrin..

That very Monday morning, several colleauges asked me if I was feeling alright.I was indeed in a not so happy mood, I was feeling quite down. I was in KL on Saturday and for along while I have been meaning to meet up with a blogger whom I have talked through a few phone calls and smses. Being me, I always procrastinate everything and on my last trip to KL, I still didn't look her up. After I reached Penang, on Sunday evening, I received a message saying that Raden Galoh the blogger sedang nazak di rumah ibunya.....That really got me kicking myself silly. I felt so bad from then on until the morning after.
I was busy attending a course in kepala Batas for the next 3 days. Didn't even have the time to check my fb and blog for the whole week.
On Saturday morning, my husband called me to watch something on TV ,I saw Dalilah Tamrin on TV and on the top right corner of the screen was SIARAN LANGSUNG, I thought loudly, oh thank God she got better so fast.....and later when Zamzarina said alFatihah..I just sat down and cried.I wasn't sure why I cried,may be I was thinking of her 2 sons Adam and Idris who are still too young or may be I cried for I have lost all the chance to talk to her in person,yes, I think I cried because I never, ever had the chance to meet her. True, even through my phone conversation with her, I know that she was such a caring and loving person. God loves her. Her pain has gone and she is resting in peace, I hope. Her time has come and so will ours, we just don't know when or how. Just pray to Allah that we will all be blessed with rahmah. Insyaa Allah..

May Allah bless your soul..dear AhmadQadry..

Today, at around 2pm I received such a sad news.My just turned two year old last week nephew passed away in Brunei..I cried, and cried and cried...I have lost a son almost 3 years ago, and now my brother who is living so far away from us is going through this same phase, and I am not anywhere near him to comfort him during this trying time. . I remember very well, Pak Wan and Mak Wan, parents of Wan Azlina , a darling friend of mine..came all the way from KL to Penang just to be with me, to share the trauma felt by the surviving parents after a child's passing. They have gone through it once and they felt that they have to be in Penang to comfort me. They pushed off back to KL that very night, for Pak Wan had an important appointment the next day. The point I am trying to make here is, it is true that Nobody, except for those who have experienced losing a child, could come close to describing the pain of facing the death of a child..
I feel so sorry for my brother for I can't be there for him.I called and talked to him and his wife, I was supposed to comfort them, instead I was the one who was crying so hard...I didn't cry like this when Hilman died, I am soo confused..it's so sad...It's so sad...I fell asleep after a long tiring day on the day Hilman died , the next morning I woke up and hope that it was just a nightmare and the moment I saw something which belong to him I just broke into tears....I went rushing to his graveyard to really see if there really was my son who just got buried the day before...it was such a heartwrenching episode of any mother's life....
And, I can only hope and pray that my brother and his family will be given the strength to go through this ordeal..