Cancer anyone?

hello again...

2012-01-19T19:19:00.004+08:00

busy busy busy...year in year out day in day out....hmmm..
somehow i kinda forgotten the fact that i have this thing called the big C in me..
not that i don't wish it would go away( who wouldn't?)but a busy life would really make you do not really think about it so much..unless it's causing you those pain.
i would like to think that many more people have cancer cells growing in their bodies
but too scared to have it checked..i know at least 2 people.
and i also think that many more death are caused by cancer cells..but those people were never diagnosed with cancer.interesting, don't you think?

it's been quite a while that i hit the keyboard for blogging purpose..
have quite busy juggling a career and 4 kids and a darling hubby and also a once in a month drug infusion..today with no internet at home i spent time at a nearby bistro for a wifi facility...
funny, it is so funny..when the wifi at home is ok i did not feel like checking on my blog..now that i have to seek for a wifi in a bistro i willingly spend time putting up new post...just so humanof me to err..

you never value what you have till you lose it...

remember 5 before 5....
what are the 5?

anyway...i have been blessed with pain sensation after each infusion now...
after a few days the pain just subside..
but now the boys have accepted the fact that uh okay..mom is having those ouch ouch moments..they even helped to massage my entire body to help ease the pain..
thank you Allah for these wonderful kids and a darling hubby.
how can i complain of my pain when i have been blessed with so many other wonderful things..

please give me strength to go through all the tests, ya Allah....

Test and more test to score

2011-09-09T02:17:00.003+08:00

My third date with Pamidronate is this Saturday.I guess it gives me a chance to say hi and bye to a wedding of a relative or a raya visit to a house or two.Naah..the last time I did it,I got all finally settled at around 4pm,just enough time for me to beat the rush hour out of the ever so busy Kuala Lumpur.What with little big Haiqal insisted that he should be left behind so that he could go to his tuition class that morning..

Just couldn't myself to sleep.Went to Pokok Sena Kedah to visit a friend whose first child died today. Can't say I understand how she feels just because I have lost my first born too. Things are different for her.What is most important is, God knows best. Things somehow fall into places, solving problems that no human could ever think that it is possible.

Earlier this morning, a friend shared with me her problem.Quite a big obstacle she is facing in her adult life I would say.I saw writhing in pain right infront of me.This happen to her most days of the month.That made me rethink of what I am facing.I would say her suffering is more intense and her test ranked much higher than mine.Again,God knows best.

Reached home at 9pm,the TV AlHijrah was showing Khidmat Syariah Ibu Mithali featuring this Puan Haslina who raises 2 physically challenged kids by herself.The boys are all excited about getting education,and the mother struggled to get them to school in all difficulties.Oh Wow!Really, sometimes when you feel like you are facing difficulty that makes you feel like you have already hit rock bottom emotionally...and suddenly you get to look at how other people cope with their own suffering which appears much more than what you are facing,you feel like burying you head out of shame for complaining.

And now, after the glassfull of nescafe ais I drank on my way home from Kedah, I am left with a lappy while all my boys are already enjoying their ZZZZs.How am going to wake tomorrow..hhmmm Mohon Restu day tomorrow.Our special guest is Asyraf the first Imam Muda.I hope I will be able to open my eyes.Talk about my test.I have 148 children sitting for SPM, 135 children sitting for PMR and 1 child sitting for UPSR...Just hope that Asyraf will be able to deliver some motivation to those children.Oh dear God, please let the kids be healthy and fit to be sitting for their examination and please let them ace in all their papers.Please bless them kids with beautiful life here and hereafter.

Bones it is now....

2011-07-30T17:09:00.002+08:00

Almost a month ago, I got my CT scan result.Alhamdulillah lungs,heart, liver and everything else looked clear except for the spots in my spine.I went through a bone scan a week later.True enough there are a few spots on my bones are affected by cancer cell.Hmm...and all these happened when my cancer marker showed a wonderful 8.8 reading.Mind boggling I would say...but I do believe everything happen for a reason.So, innalillahiwainnailaihi rojiuun.May Allah bless me and my family.

The cancer cell must be the smarter ones this time. My onc recommended Pamidronate to help my bones to fight the cancer cells.Had my first session last month and I will go though my second one this coming Thursday. Hopefully this time it the side effect won't be as bad as with the first session. The bone pain and aches were quite serious for the first 2 days. Over the week they have become more bearable, thank God.

Alhamdulillah, thank you Allah for I could still carry out my duty as usual although sometimes someone would tell me I look fatigue. Well, sometimes I do feel tired easily, but most of the time things remain the same to me. I did even manage to take part in Teachers and Staff Sport Festival in MRSM Merbok, Kedah. I played several matches of Petanque,alhamdulillah.Thank You Allah.

I spent a week in a Creative Writing Workshop under the coaching of creative writing gurus Alan Maley and Jayakaran Kumandan along with wonderful English teachers from all over Malaysia. Had a great time doing something different. I enjoyed the company of those wonderful teachers. What a week.Thank you God for giving me the chance to learn new things.

My family has also started to take a bigger part in household chores. The kids can cook a decent meal for themselves already. Hubby has long been in charge of laundry and stuff.Thank you Allah for giving them the strength to go through this with me.

Idilfitri pix when it's almost IdilAdha.....hmmmmmm

2010-10-31T00:25:00.002+08:00

Been wanting to post the picture taken on the first day of Idilfitri..but it has been quite hectic these last few months..............
Busy...that's what we claim every single day....until the day we take out our last breath. Hopefully.....in between the "busy lifestyle" we live, we manage to always remember why we are here in this world and where we are all heading to.In doing so, we will try to make sure we give our best shot in everything we do in every aspect of our lives.
I believe that's one of the many objectives laid out by of a much hoo ha-ed spiritual motivational course I have just attended. Well, you might personally want some of the activities scrapped from the module, or you might not agree with whichever part of the program..but looking at the bigger picture, when did you last see a wonderfully laid out science facts supported by perfectly chosen excerpt from al Quran using wonderful sound system and clear giant screen done by powerful presenter who painstakingly uses different tones to go for the best effect...? I was more than impressed. I personally think you don't have to agree with every single activity they planned, to agree that this IS the kind of things(with some adjustments here and there) that should be done to help with the social problem we are facing.
When each of us are always reminded of who is our Creator and that inevitably,one day we are going to see Him with all our good deeds(if any) and all our sins...the world would be a safer place to live...for all of us..

Gratefully yours..

2010-10-07T21:49:00.002+08:00

It has been a real long time since my last post...Alhamdulillah...I have been very busy with work.Yes,alhamdulillah...because that shows I am as healthy as I can be to perform my duty. Don't complain if your are bogged down with work,thank God cos you still have a job....Don't complain if your children give you headache, thank God cos your are blessed with chidren. Don't complain if your house is in a mess, thank God cos you still a roof above your head...Don't complain if you are limping after a bad fall,thank God for you still have your legs...
The only thing that's bothering me is I'm getting bigger by the day.Been avoiding the scale ever so successfully at home, come a trip to the doctor's office, I'll have no way to avoid getting on that scale....hmm wish I could get the tiny nurse to get on the scale for me..ha ha...Nah...I am not going to blame the medication..It's pure mathematics..calories in is greater than calories out...so you get those calories all over under the skin...hu hu hu...and I have only myself to put the blame on.
My next doctor's appointment is this coming Saturday, and everytime when the time comes,I am blessed with a clear reminder for me to come back to reality...I am a cancer survivor..still monitoring the cancer cell activities.Thank you Allah for everything..for all the reminders you blessed me with...thank you Allah, thank you Allah..

Goodbye Dalilah Tamrin..

2010-07-27T18:43:00.006+08:00

That very Monday morning, several colleauges asked me if I was feeling alright.I was indeed in a not so happy mood, I was feeling quite down. I was in KL on Saturday and for along while I have been meaning to meet up with a blogger whom I have talked through a few phone calls and smses. Being me, I always procrastinate everything and on my last trip to KL, I still didn't look her up. After I reached Penang, on Sunday evening, I received a message saying that Raden Galoh the blogger sedang nazak di rumah ibunya.....That really got me kicking myself silly. I felt so bad from then on until the morning after.
I was busy attending a course in kepala Batas for the next 3 days. Didn't even have the time to check my fb and blog for the whole week.
On Saturday morning, my husband called me to watch something on TV ,I saw Dalilah Tamrin on TV and on the top right corner of the screen was SIARAN LANGSUNG, I thought loudly, oh thank God she got better so fast.....and later when Zamzarina said alFatihah..I just sat down and cried.I wasn't sure why I cried,may be I was thinking of her 2 sons Adam and Idris who are still too young or may be I cried for I have lost all the chance to talk to her in person,yes, I think I cried because I never, ever had the chance to meet her. True, even through my phone conversation with her, I know that she was such a caring and loving person. God loves her. Her pain has gone and she is resting in peace, I hope. Her time has come and so will ours, we just don't know when or how. Just pray to Allah that we will all be blessed with rahmah. Insyaa Allah..

May Allah bless your soul..dear AhmadQadry..

2010-07-12T21:17:00.002+08:00

Today, at around 2pm I received such a sad news.My just turned two year old last week nephew passed away in Brunei..I cried, and cried and cried...I have lost a son almost 3 years ago, and now my brother who is living so far away from us is going through this same phase, and I am not anywhere near him to comfort him during this trying time. . I remember very well, Pak Wan and Mak Wan, parents of Wan Azlina , a darling friend of mine..came all the way from KL to Penang just to be with me, to share the trauma felt by the surviving parents after a child's passing. They have gone through it once and they felt that they have to be in Penang to comfort me. They pushed off back to KL that very night, for Pak Wan had an important appointment the next day. The point I am trying to make here is, it is true that Nobody, except for those who have experienced losing a child, could come close to describing the pain of facing the death of a child..
I feel so sorry for my brother for I can't be there for him.I called and talked to him and his wife, I was supposed to comfort them, instead I was the one who was crying so hard...I didn't cry like this when Hilman died, I am soo confused..it's so sad...It's so sad...I fell asleep after a long tiring day on the day Hilman died , the next morning I woke up and hope that it was just a nightmare and the moment I saw something which belong to him I just broke into tears....I went rushing to his graveyard to really see if there really was my son who just got buried the day before...it was such a heartwrenching episode of any mother's life....
And, I can only hope and pray that my brother and his family will be given the strength to go through this ordeal..

KOMPAS program at Sedim,Alhamdulillah...

2010-05-22T19:20:00.002+08:00

Early this morning, the teachers and staff pack our things and headed to Sg Sedim for our Pembangunan Guru dan Staf Program. It was cloudy and I thought,"uh oh, there goes our tree top walk and river crossing..."
We had breakfast, delicious nasi lemak was served and I was really worried about the weather. We managed to have our first management game out door, and the other 2 was done indoor. We were having fun, but i was still wondering whether the weather will permit us to complete our scheduled program.
Right after lunch and after dzuhr prayer, the sun started to come out and i was thrilled...Yessss.
So we managed to do both tree top walk and river crossing, Alhamdulillah..
Came home with aching body...to my darling boys who lovingly did the massage ...Syukur...Thank You God....
A note to myself: must exercise regularly..........hmmmmmmmmmmm

Letting go of your dearest one.

2010-05-20T00:10:00.003+08:00

I thank God every time people ask me how I am."Alhamdulillah", I would say.
It is true. I feel so lucky to have gone through this phase of my life. It is a big test but not as big as the test of losing a son. Each time people whom I just met ask me ,"How old is your eldest child?", I feel so....helpless. " Please God , help me, I just don't wanna cry this time." Finding the suitable words to tell them about my eldest son is such a tormenting experience each time. It is like going over that particular time which to me, is the saddest part of my life, again and again and again.
I am soo not over it yet. No, not really that, I suppose. May be I just miss him soo much.
I can't even bring myself to look at his pictures, let alone watching his video recording.I can't even bring myself to listen to the songs he compiled for me to listen to during
my balik kampung journey.
Not even once I cried because of my cancer, but I cried countless times because I miss my darling son so much. I have to keep on telling myself to be thankful for I still have 4 other sons to love. I have to keep on thinking positively.But every time I look at the kids in my school, I would scan for anyone who, in any way, resembles my darling Hilman. Sickening, eh? Everytime I look at Hazim, my second child driving with me sitting in the back seat, I would be wondering how would Hilman drive.
I just hope Allah will help me to let go.....
Help me God, help me God......

School break again, moms.....!!!

2010-03-17T22:31:00.003+08:00

It's school break again, and the kids are getting used to the idea that their mom is back to work.Thank God.To be fair to them, I let them stay at our home rather than our house. It is quite alright for me to travel for almost an hour to work for this week. as long as the kids are happy seeing their old friends and mum and dad get to be alone traveling to and from work together..
Today I feel so much better, physically I mean..yesterday was such a tiring day. Didn't know why. It could be my Tuesday blues, because i took a leave on Monday, ha ha. I truly hope that's just it, and nothing else is happening in my body.Nah, I still have a couple of weeks to go before my next appointment. No news from my oncologist is good news...
Someone was telling me today that he read in the newspaper that a cancer survivor must always be happy to fight the cancer cells. Really, hmmm....how does my Pak Meon make me happy, huh???Well, alhamdulillah, I am currently happy at my workplace, doing my job, happy with my kids and Pak Meon...I have come to conclusion some time ago, it is really not up to others to make me or break me. Have trust in God and you will be happy, no matter what.It is not an easy thing to do, but it worked for me. God knows what's best for me, it's true.

Give me the strength, O Allah!

2010-03-14T15:18:00.003+08:00

It has been almost three months since I have started working again. Life is almost like back to normal for me with busier schedule. Thank Allah, everything is just fine for me. After cancer cell invaded my body twice, I do not think anything else would be giving me heartache. Well, I was wrong, Life is like I said , back to normal.So, there will be crisis, problems and work related stress. I try very hard not to think negatively about all those things. I keep telling myself we are all human, therefore we err here and there. I have to accept others unconditionally and what will happen when others don't accept me unconditionally? Forgive and forget. I have to find humor in every trying times so as not to become so tense when things don't go quite right.
Please help me God. Give me the strength I need to go about carrying out my duty in an efficient and effective way.Give me the purest heart to easily forgive and forget. Give me the physical strength to work and to serve you, O Allah.

Back to work!!!Thank you Allah......

2010-01-17T16:26:00.002+08:00

Alhamdulillah.Thank you Allah for making it possible for me to start working again after a looong break.I have started working since the 28th of December, 5 days after my last chemo session. It is indeed a wonderful feeling to be back in school.
Coming home from my workplace which is an hour drive away, I came home to a teary eyed Haiqal, saying,"I miss you soo much, mom...!!!!" OOOhhh dear, after 2 years having his mom with him 24/7 he was just so sad to have his mom busy working again. Poor baby..
One week after school reopened, I had all my three schoolgoing chilren transferred to schools nearby my new working place. It is wonderful to be able to see them in the afternoon during my lunchtime. As it is, I miss seeing them all the time too. We have been spending wonderful school holiday last year.
Thank you God for everything.For my good health these days, for the easy transition for all of us, for the happiness we shared, for every single thing that made us smile. It has been wonderful to be working again. I just love this new place.
I believe each one of us will go to the next world sooner or later. Until that time comes, it is our duty to live to the fullest, to make each other happy, to do what we do best, to help others in need, to cherish each day and to prepare ourlselves for the afterlife. We just don't have the luxury to worry about what comes after this, it is beyond our control. We can watch what we eat, lead a more active life, take this and that as supplement to improve our immunity, worry less and pray more. Other than that, just be extra nice to other people, that will make us happy.

Me,the ungrateful toot.....

2009-11-24T16:06:00.003+08:00

I am feeling a little bit under the weather today. The reason? I just received my MAKNA newsletter. This time, they featured the pancreatic cancer survivor, who used to be an odd job village labourer staying some 52 km Temerloh who also, had a wife who is bedridden, suffering from a stroke. The wife has recently died(AlFatihah, may Allah bless her soul). His first son is an SPM candidate and his youngest son, a PMR candidate.He had to sell off his possessions, to raise money for his usual journey to a hospital in Temerloh for his cancer treatment. Reading about the less fortunate cancer survivors made me feel angry with myself. I have been so lucky to feel fine throughout my cancer journey and my last post sort of had a hint of complaint...why would I worry about other people's perception? I should be worrying about not being able to do more to help other cancer survivors who are in need of help..
Astaghfirullah..I should feel grateful for everything, for all the things I have been provided with. Even when tested with this illness, I am blessed with things which is considered luxury to others.
Forgive me God, for I have been ungrateful...

Almost December already....

2009-11-23T12:21:00.003+08:00

It has been quite a while since my last post..
...have been busy thinking about getting back to work in January...
...been busy thinking about the possibility of moving...
don't know when to start packing
...been busy thinking about...chemotherapy and what comes after this...but according to my surgeon "Hey,don't you worry about what's coming tomorrow, you are lucky to still be here today...".yes she's right, Alhamdulillah...I am still able to enjoy spending time with my family.
....been busy thinking about getting back into the real world, working and meeting more people at work..
seriously...it has been almost 24 months since I went to work..
I am ready for work and I do believe what I really have to prepare myself for is other people's perception of cancer survivors...
What they need to know is we are still the same person as before we were diagnosed with this illness. The only difference is the physical aspect, in my case: innalillah wa inna ilaihi rojiuun,...less of this and less of that.....
Our way of life may be different now that we have more time to ourselves but thank God our thinking skill remains the same.
Thank you God for everything you blessed me with; a handsome, loving Pak Meon, good sons, lovely brothers and sisters, wonderful friends and a beautiful world to live in...and may all of the above get to be among the chosen ones to enter Your paradise...

A week stay in KL..

2009-11-02T16:25:00.000+08:00

Alhamdulillah! On the 22nd of October 2009,I am already halfway through my series of chemotherapy. As if celebrating, I spent the whole week in KL.It was celebration alright, I had the chance to meet up with Kak Chit and the glam girls at Puteri restaurant on Friday.(I had my 6th infusion the previous day).Thank you Kak Chit for the invitation. I really appreciate the time I spent with the wonderful ladies.As usual, a series of snack/teh tarik sessions with my beloved friends from kb.Thank you Zana, Zu, Ayie, Yat and Pnut and Liz for spending your precious time with me. I enjoyed every minute of it.
I even managed to squeeze in a get together with a group of my ex students from 2001. Thank you Mr. Early, Epoi, Sungkai, Aina and Zuw. I really had fun talking to all of you, my grown up kids.
Thank God,my week stay in KL also allowed me to meet a very special baby, Ahmad Qadry bin Muhammad. He is my nephew who flew in from Brunei to have his heart condition assessed by a panel of doctors in KL. I can't possibly write all the medical jargons to explain his condition at the moment.It's just too complex. I can only wish him and his family the best of luck in deciding on the best option to improve the quality of his health.

Thursday night reached Penang, Friday night pushed off to KL again...ha ha

2009-10-17T07:44:00.006+08:00

After my chemo on Thursday 15th Oct, I took the coach to Penang with Hafiz by my side. He volunteered to accompany me to KL this time now that his PMR examination is over. Came home and suddenly Haiqal had the most brilliant idea to travel to KL(back again?) to meet his uncle Uda whom we haven't met from 2006.He will be back from Brunei late Saturday night. My sister has planned a get together on Sunday morning tahlil and breakfast session and I just couldn't posssibly miss it, It really has been a long time since all 8 of us, with our children get together.
So Harris, Haiqal and I, the three of us took a train from Butterworth last night. Thank God we managed to get the sleeping bunk.Although we could't get the lower bunk, we still enjoyed the journey. Alhamdulillah. Haiqal now insist on accompanying me everytime I travel to KL for my chemo,"As long as we take the train, mom!" He said cheekily. Iyolah.......Haiqal.
I will be in KL this whole week and I hope God will give me the strength to overcome any side effect I may get. This coming Thursday Oct 20th, is another chemo day for me. I hope everything will be alright. As long as I take it easy these next few days, InsyaAllah! My main problem with being in KL, being near by my brothers and sisters and childhood friends is: Overeat and Undersleep. Nevertheless, I am enjoying every moment. Thank you God!

Ca marker news made my day..Alhamdulillah...

2009-10-05T14:18:00.004+08:00

On my way to KL on Friday evening, I stopped by at Gunung Semanggul R&R to have a snack. While enjoying my food, my cellphone rang, a cheerful familiar voice greeted me with salam. It's my dear Oncologist,who wanted to share with me the good news she has just received from the lab. This is one of the many reason I am thankful to God; for bringing this wonderful doctor into my life. Her positive attitude and helpful, cheerful voice is just what a cancer patient needs to feel good while getting treatment.She just called to let me know that my Ca marker has gone way down after two weeks, from 66 to 60 after the first week, and 2 weeks later dropped to 30. Ya Allah, thank you Allah! Thank You God for this good news.
Just as we started walking to the car, my youngest, 10 yr old Haiqal hugged me so tight and whispered to me, "Mom, I'm so glad that you are not gonna die just yet, I 'm so happy mom..!" I replied," Everyone's going to die, Haiqal..that is something which we all have to accept, sayang" and he said,"Yes, but you are not going to leave me so soon...and I am thankful to God." and I just wiped off my tears of joy for having such a thoughtful son who loves to talk to me about facts of life, among other things. He is so much like his late big brother, he even looks like arwah Hilman.
How can I not be so grateful, when Allah's blessings make my few hardships seemed like a drop of water in a lake.
My chemotherapy session went well despite some minor irritable incidents which I now chose to forget and only focus on the positive things in everything. Irritants will be everywhere and to be affected by each one of them will only bring more stress to my chemical bloated body. How lucky I am to have such a dear Pak Meon to always be there to help me with my "heated fuse". Thank you Allah for a wonderful, helpful hubby you blessed me with. Both of us have gone through a lot together, raising our 5 boys,losing our first born, living with illness and I hope we will continue to be thankful to Allah for all the blessings that Allah has bestowed upon us.
Subhanallah walhamdulillah wa la ila haillallahu Allahu Akbar....

Whoa..light headed for 5 days...

2009-10-01T22:08:00.002+08:00

On Sunday, I insisted that we go visit my sisters and brother in law's houses. So we managed to go to two houses, good enough considering we started off from our house at 5 pm. On our way home, I could hardly sit up straight in the car. Lucky for me , I had a couple of big, cosy thighs to rest my head on. I felt tired and sleepy most of the time from then on and it lasted for 5 days. Fortunately, during those times that I have to send and fetch my children to school, I managed to do so. Although I felt like a zombie, but I managed to give my full attention on the road. Thank God for the strength.
The boys have been wonderful in taking care of themselves during those times. Although they insisted on taking care of me during school time, I honestly prefer them to be in school. There's not much of help I need in the morning actually, I was just asleep almost all the time. No vomitting no pain, just plain sleepy, thank you Allah. I have heard of worse chemotherapy side effects.
Daddy and the boys have taken care of the laundry and dishes earlier in the morning. Thank You God for the caring family You blessed me with. This is just one of the many, many things I have been blessed with. Thank You Allah.
This Saturday is going to be Part 2 of the second cycle. From the first experience, the part 2 infusion doesn't give me that much problem compared to the first one. InsyaAllah, everything will be alright. If it doesn't, that problem will eventually end, without fail. Everything will come to an end, good times or bad times.
Live your life, one day at a time.
Count your blessings,
Live through your hardship with patience and zikrullah,
There is one way that leads to happiness: stop being worried about the things beyond your control.

Alfatihah for Arwah fellow blogger r2d2, I just had the strength to read fellow cancer survivors' blogs today and I just found out about her passing. May Allah bless her soul.

first session of cycle 2 chemo done, thank you Allah...

2009-09-27T02:24:00.002+08:00

Thank You God for making this trip a pleasant one. Drove to KL on Friday.Made the complete round of Raya visits to my family's places. Have to make those visits to friends next time, which is next week, hopefully.
I drove to the hospital alone and came home to Along's place safely, Alhamdulillah..Had Ah Yen and her mother at the ward as lovely company today. Had wonderful lunch sharing rice and chilli fried fish with Ah Yen's mother. Thank you, Ma'am. I hope the treatment you will be seeking will be able to kill those cancer cells. Radio frequency therapy....hmmm I haven't checked that out myself.
It's so touching to see how Ah Yen and her siblings really care for her cancer survivor mother.
Ijah and hubby and baby #3 came over to visit me. Luckily they caught me just in time before I was discharged. Thank you Ijah for visiting.
We left KL after dark for we went to Mariam's open house. After getting a short nap at her place, we started our journey. Hazim drove all the way and Harris and Haiqal got us fresh and alert by not sleeping as well. So, we chatted and chatted till we reached home at 1.30 am. What a wonderful time spent with the kids. We talked about so many things, so I thought..ahh..this is just one of the blessings in disguise, living with cancer has brought us so much closer in so many ways. Thank you, thank you Allah.
The way to be a happy person is to only think of the good side of anything or anyone.
The way to be a happy person is to look at all the good things that ever happened in your life.
The way to be a happy person is to think of all the good things God will bless you with.
Really, it is really not difficult to be a happy person even when you are faced with what you thought to be the most challenging situation in your life.

Have a blessed Eid Mubarrak, everyone!

2009-09-24T13:22:00.003+08:00

Allahuakbar Allahuakbar Allahuakbar...the beautiful sound echoed everywhere since the eve of Eid Mubarrak. It just gave me the feeling of joy of celebrating Eid, the feeling of sadness for missing the lost dear loved ones on this special day, the feeling of serenity, all at the same time.

My boys and I were quite busy preparing the dishes for Raya feast for the family until 1.30 am that night. The help I get from my boys gave me the chance to cook whatever they requested and that makes me feel so good. Thank You Allah, for the strength you gave me. Thank you Allah.

After the IdilFitri prayer that morning, comes the moment I dread. A visit to Hilman's grave. As I place flowers and recite verses from the Quran, my tears just flow freely. I just couldn't help it. It's really difficult not to weep. Astarghfirullah....God, I miss him so much. I have to keep reminding myself, anything and everything belongs to Him and I still have 4 more sons to love and care for. Plus a husband who is there with me for better or for worse. I should be counting my blessing rather than longing for my loss. Forgive me Allah.Thank you Allah for all your blessing.

I am going for my third chemo session, which is cycle 2, round 1 this Saturday. Will take the chance to also visit families in KL. Can't be sure if I have enough time to visit friends as well as I planned to return to Penang after the chemo session. I feel stronger hours and hours immediately after the infusion compared to the day after the infusion. I hope this trip will be a smooth sailing one, as usual. I shall be going for the cycle 2, round 1 infusion next week. May be then I will have time for friends.

For my family and friends and my ex students who happen to browse through this blog which was created to keep my well wishers updated on my health status, I wish all of you a very Happy Idil Fitri. May you have a chance to spend joyous moments with your loved ones. Keep your parents happy with your visits while they are still alive. Keep your younger ones happy while you are still given the strength and the means to do so.

Completed cycle 1/6 chemo, Alhamdulillah....

2009-09-13T02:05:00.003+08:00

Alhamdulillah...safely reached Penang slightly close to midnight. Today, I am blessed with wonderful, traveling partners; my "Pak Meon", Harris and Haiqal, so the journey was quite colorful with laughters and interesting conversation. Thank you darlings! I surely hope the children are far from traumatized by this experience of accompanying mum to her series of treatment for her serious illness yabadda yabadda....., I want them to think that this is just one of those trip back home to my hometown to their Mak Long's place. Balik kampung time.Visiting their uncles and aunts. Meeting their cousins..

Thank You God for making everything goes very smoothly for this second dose of chemo.

I discovered today that the jab they give as a booster for your white blood cells gave you a sharp pain no matter where they prick you, on the tummy or on the upper arm. Although,for my next treatment, I would love to try to ask for that jab on my butt. Let's see if it works any better there.
Naah!...it was not that painful and uncomfortable, I was just being an ungrateful.... toot....
The fact that I am still able to stay up at 2.30 am to post a blog after a day of chemo infusion followed by a 330 km journey home shows that I have abundance of blessings to be thankful for. Forgive me God for I have sinned. AstargfirullahalAzzim...

La ila ha illah anta subhana inni kuntum minazolimin....

First cycle, second round.......tomorrow.

2009-09-11T13:10:00.002+08:00

Yesterday was 1 week after my first cycle, first round chemo, Alhamdulillah..I managed to live through the week with minimum side effect.On the second day, I felt slight heat on my head, so I went straight to have my hair cut so it will be easier for me to sponge my head with a damp towel.I just felt very light headed and slept a lot the following 3 days. Thanks to Allah for the strength I am blessed with, I still can cook for iftar and suhhur, otherwise it will have to be take out food everyday, and during Ramadhan it's just something I don't fancy. Home cooked food is the best for breaking fast and suhhur, even if it's just ikan goreng..

And , yesterday also marked three years I lost my darling first born, Arwah Muhammad Hilman. Tried very much not to think about it, but I failed. It's just not easy.I miss him so..much. Wonder how those people who have lost their children survive. I think, going through the death of your child is the most devastating experience, and the biggest trial for us, the weak servant of Allah SWT. Astarghfirullah hal azzim, I hope I will be given the strength to remember him minus the sad feeling each time 20th Ramadhan comes.May Allah bless his soul.

Tomorrow, I am going to get the infusion for the second round of my first cycle of chemotherapy. I just hope I will be alright and may Allah help me make it through the trip easily. InsyaAllah.

La tahzan...it's chemotherapy season.....

2009-09-04T16:32:00.002+08:00

How to beat the chemo blues????

1.Zikrullah and lots and lots of it...
2.Focus, focus..on a fun project. yeah...many came up to mind but not sure whether they will materialise or not..atau hanya tinggal angan-angan
3.Get loads and loads of juice from fruit and vegetables..eat more salad...yes...more salad..
4.Think of the moment I will "graduate from this program on 26 December.." :D
5.Water water water....barley..barley....barley.....young coconuts..young green coconuts....
6.Ice pack for the heat on my head.....get them ready, just in case.
7.Take it easy...no pressure..although it's so much easier said than done, but I'll try.
8.Look at everything in a half full glass way not the half empty way....
9.Remember and always remember, everything in this world is His........hasbiAllah hu wa nikmal wakil....
10.Push aside negative things, people, attitude, thinking and everything negative...
11. Think bald is beautiful and cool...ha ha

Haaa........I have completed the first round of the first cycle yesterday...Right after that, took a coach to penang...Alhamdulillah....I felt good all along despite the nervous feelings I had initially.
Thank God I made it through the journey safely to the arms of the boys back in Penang.

Thank You God for making the trip to KL for the chemotherapy session so easy for me.It was so hassle free that it just make me wanted to cry for God has granted me my wish. Subhanallah.
Thank You Allah, thank you Allah...

Welcome Ramadhan, it's the month to celebrate!!!!

2009-08-24T16:16:00.003+08:00

The small town like BP is definitely the place to be during Ramadhan. The Masjid, brightly lit, is filled with people at night for Terawikh prayers. In our Taman, little kids and their mothers and fathers walked to the surau for terawikh prayers. Stopping at the local mini market on the way back from the masjid after prayer ,there's this hustle and bustle of people buying things for suhhoor..The place just looked more alive at night during the fasting month. Don't you just love it?
Alhamdulillah, it's third day of Ramadhan and I am already up and about. Still no pushing and lifting heavy stuff as advised, but I sure am enjoying doing the normal house chores with the boys. I am so blessed to be recuperating very well from the surgery which allows me to cook simple meals for the family.Thank You, Allah...
My sister , Kak Ngah advised me to take 2 spoonful of EEVO in the morning and at night. Someone told her that it has worked wonders for some cancer patients..So I got a bottle that cost me RM 75, the seller has even gave a sheet with excerpt from Quran, Sura Al-Noor, Verse 35..It sure taste..different..I think I am going to blend the flaxseed and add some honey to the olive oil that, I think will improve the taste of the EEVO. Hmmm....sound good.It's worth a try..
I am feeling so much stronger now, Alhamdulillah..and I hope I will go through the chemotherapy with almost no side effect, just like the first one, InsyaAllah..otherwise, we will have lempeng and sambal tumis ikan bilis for Hari Raya this year...That is not a bad alternative at all...kan Pak Meon? Or would you rather be called Snowy???ha ha..and I'll be Tina..

The partial burial..Innalillah wa inna illaihi rojiuunnn..

2009-08-08T17:14:00.004+08:00

Does one cry during one's burial? Partial burial I mean.Does one just mope around and sleep all day?Since Tuesday, I felt so stressful when I went to the path lab to get the specimen they took out from my body during the operation. I Thursday evening, hubby came home from work and prepare the specimen we collected from the lab for proper burial.. Those things that used to be in my body...I just didn't know how I felt. I told hubby earlier, I didn't want to talk about what is to be done with the specimen, I just didn't want to know.Being over and done with the operation kind of brought back the emotional strength that I needed. But, hey..this burial thing is causing me to feel uneasy.Am I sad?Scared?I didn't even know.I knew I just want this to be over soon. Being curious, I eventually took my camera to where he was cleaning ' those things' and managed to snap some pictures. Well, I guess I am over that stressful period already.Alhamdulillah..thank you, Allah.

Apart from occasional mood swings, I am feeling alright,Alhamdulillah.. recuperating from the operation at home, where the love is. I am able to sleep on my side now, yeah............................ The boys[darling hubby and my 4 sons] are doing their best to help me with the house chores. I still don't feel comfortable just lying around most of the time, although some part of me just love to be pampered like this. Well, I hope I will be up and about in no time. If it's up to me, I will just do anything I wish to, but my doctor told me to take it easy for a while. No heavy lifting, there goes my bowling...although she told me I can start driving when I feel comfortable enough to sit in the car.Okay, alright...I'll have to be patient enough to be a good patient......

It's like one of those time when your monitor goes into hibernation, that's what I been through lately. Shutting those windows to the outside world for a while. It's just me and how I feel, nothing to do with other people.No email, no facebook, no blogging and sometimes, no phone calls either...I missed Raden's latest news, the result of her CT scan. I can't help feeling sorry for her.I hope she will be strong as always...I know it's not easy to be strong in that situation, I couldn't believe it when the Dr. showed me the tumor they took out. It's as big as a tennis ball, and they didn't even detected it through the PET CT scan in February 2009. It's mind boggling, this cancer cells...I just hope and pray that God will provide me the strength I need.

A cut for a cut.....

2009-07-29T20:05:00.003+08:00

It has been 2 days since I came home, and there have been many visitors..It is really nice to see those familiar faces coming to see me and to wish me well. Really, with all these support form friends how can someone not feel so blessed.Thank You God!
The stitches has not given me any problem so far, thank God for that. Now I know just how hard it is to give birth through cesarean, you are supposed to be taking care of the baby while having those stitches .Sorry, mak! My late mother had to go for a cesarean operation to make way for me to this world some 45 years ago. I was told that I simply couldn't come out through the natural way because my hand took a peek to the world, instead of the top of my head.
It was quite awkward moment for me when I was shown that cut on my tummy on Sunday when the doctor changed the dressing. It is so similar to the one my late mother's tummy.
When Along told us that my mother had to be hospitalized again after giving birth to me due to the infection to her wound, I know the reason why I was sent to a relative house for some time. When I was little, my brothers and sisters used to tease me about being other family's baby.I used to wonder why I had to have a "foster parents".Now I understand, there was no way my mother could look after me with that kind of infection. Thank You Mak, for helping to bring me to this world and cared for me the way you did till the end of your life.May Allah bless her soul.

Leaving hospital today.......

2009-07-27T09:16:00.002+08:00

I'm waiting to go home at the moment. Happy as I am to be home again, I have that same feeling that I had when I was about to leave the hospital after my mastectomy. It is that feeling of unsure upon getting back to the real world with something less than your initial self. Come to think of it again, what is there to worry about, everything belongs to Allah the Almighty.Innalillah wa inna illaihi rojiun...When the time comes the whole of our body and soul will return to Him. This is the reality...Rich or poor, old or young, healthy or sickly,ready or not to leave the world...when the time comes, there will be no delay, we will all go.
yup,...live one day at a time..make the best of each minute passing by, do good to others especially those under your care.
I am expected to go through another round of chemotherapy. I really hope and pray that this time it will be as easy as the last time around. I remember during the last chemotherapy, losing my hair caused the lowest point of my emotional state. I guess I am quite prepared for that now.

I am quite jittery about heading home this time though. My sisters have warned me that I am not supposed to do this and that for quite sometime...ooh hey...I may have lost some reproductive organs, but that doesn't make myself an invalid...No driving? oit...not even an automatic? Puh lees.....What am I gonna do for fun?
Sob..sob...

Alhamdulillah, the surgery went well...

2009-07-26T19:06:00.002+08:00

So on the morning of July 23rd,at 8.30 am, I was wheeled into the OT. I was feeling more nervous than before, may be because I know that only after 2 days after this surgery that I will be allowed to eat...ha ha. Seriously, the reason is, I was told that this a major operation which will involved area very close to the major blood vessel. As I was told by a professional, anything could happen..Yes, anything could happen, even when you are in the dining room; you could also choke on something. Shortly after that I was administered with epidural, then wheeled to the place where the big spotlights are...uh oh....
okay now, the operation is over, open your eyes....,Alhamdulillah.....upon entering my room, I saw all the familiar faces of my family waiting for me.They sedated me pretty heavily I guess, I could hardly open my eyes..I could hear their voices anyway...
My doctor came to check on me later that evening, my first question to her is,"When can I eat, doc?"The lady must have been puzzled and thought,"Hey, I just pulled out several organs from you and all you could think about is food?"
Anyway, I had to live the night through with sips of air zam zam every now and then.
At around 10pm , I felt some back pain, I tried to move about and suddenly I realized my legs are numbed.Panicked caused me to plead with the nurse to reduce the epidural. She did and later , I could move my toes,...phew....thank you God.But that night, the back pain was causing me to lose some sleep.My sister who was looking after me that night kept rubbing my legs with ointment to help me get my legs moving again.I kept repositioning myself with the help of that wonderful automatic hospital bed just to ease the back pain. My sister said I looked like Mr.Bean when I did that.
I thought that the back pain was more severe than the pain rom the stitches. Friday morning saw me pleading with the doc to get me off the epidural, pronto.I later felt much better after they took it off, and Alhamdulillah, the pain from the cut was manageable. Things were going much better when I finally get to eat something, took my first few steps and Alhamdulillah ,I managed to go to the toilet on my own that night, although my sister would love to spoil me ...
Thank you God for a speedy recovery from the operation, and thank you God for all the wonderful sisters, brothers and family and friends....

Ovarian it is now.....

2009-07-22T13:25:00.002+08:00

Well, I found out that my Ca15.3 keeps on elevating to 77 this time. To top it off, my Ca 125 which I did for the first time showed a high number 260. I just didn't know how to react. I should have followed my instinct and requested for the Ca 125 test when my breast cancer marker first shot way past the normal range.
So, an ultra sound scan was done and sure enough, there is a visible mass on my ovary. I was told that I had to go for the operation to remove my ovary, tube and cervices and at the same time the procedure debulking will take place too. The procedure explained to me sounded scary.I hope everything will be okay.Thank God, I gave birth to all my 5 my boys through normal procedure. Now, I have to go through an operation on my tummy.Ouch..I hope and I pray to God to give me the strength that I need to go through this test.
I did my CT scan on my abdomen, thorax and pelvis yesterday[ luckily with no unwanted incidence like when I did my PET scan, Thank You God, for giving me the strength to hold whatever that needs to be held during the procedure], and this morning the doctor called and gave me the good news, my other organs are clear from cancer cells. There was no lesion whatsoever.Alhamdulillah! The only thing that remains the problem is this mass on my ovary. Yeah, doc, hit it before it spread elsewhere. I will go through the operation tomorrow morning.
I will be admitted this evening, and in between the nervousness and the anxiety, I feel so blessed when I can have the operation done here in Penang where all my boys are. Thank You, God! Thank You for everything You blessed me with.

Thank You, Monchehians!

2009-07-22T13:13:00.002+08:00

I had the chance to meet the Monchehians on Saturday two weeks ago, 2 days after my doctor's appointment. I fell in love immediately with the campus. Beautiful. Upon reaching the school that Friday night, I was impressed with what I saw. The students were actively involved in a program and there were many teachers around. And that, is only one of the many programs planned for the students all year long.Wow! That is what makes life in a hostel interesting for the students when there are many carefully laid out plans for them throughout the year.
The fifth formers I met were a bunch of interesting, cheerful, thoughtful and hardworking young adults. I guess with their hard work and the dedication of the teachers, they will achieve wonderful result this year.
Way to go, Monchehians! Thank You for inviting me.

Another one flew out of the nest.......

2009-07-01T17:20:00.003+08:00

On Monday, I was busy sending off another son, Hazim to his college. Gleefully, we pushed off as if we were about to embark on a long journey. It took us only 1 minute to get to the college..ha ha...I just hope he will have a meaningful 3 years of his life there.
Although there are other alternatives,I somehow encouraged him to choose the college nearest to our house, may be because I am still a teeny weeny bit traumatized by the memory of losing my eldest son,barely three months after I sent him off to college, three years ago. I remembered how I cried when making a call to Hilman barely an hour after I left him after his registration.I already missed him terribly then. And yes, my tears still flow freely whenever I think of him.Al Fatihah...
Yes, I still miss Hazim although I drive pass by his college several times each day, not having him at home is just different. I miss his everything, his antics, his comments when I cook the food he tried to avoid during his dieting days, his weird way of joking etc, etc.... I hope he is having fun meeting new friends and learn new things.
After Hazim left, I felt quite incomplete.Now there are only three of them at home. Looking at Hafiz, Harris and Haiqal, I just thank God for blessing me these wonderful kids to love. Thank God for a wonderful husband who is always making sure I feel good all the time. Thank God for blessing the boys with a wonderful father. Happy Fathers' day, Ayah!
Having cancer is just a tiny bit of a test compared to all the things I am blessed with in my life. I hope I will always feel this grateful to God till the end of my life.

One two, breathe.....and hold!

2009-06-10T11:17:00.002+08:00

Came home to Balik Pulau, the home of the Laid Backs..after a trip to Kuala Lumpur, and Johor Bharu and Melaka...how wonderful.After five days away from Penang, upon reaching Padang Kota Lama, Haiqal said happily,"How glad I am to come home to Penang!!!"....which part of his upbringing that I screwed up, now?I wonder. None of my kids, except my late first born, love the adventure of traveling to new places. I have always enjoyed traveling but I can see that my boys can hardly wait for us to reach home whenever we are on the go. Could it be the fact that I have over emphasized the tagline "Home is where love is". The most recent trip did not involve the Dad and Hafiz, may be that was the reason why the trip was not so much fun.
Oxygen, oxygen....how can I improve the level of oxygen in my body? There are many ways suggested to me, breathe deeply and hold for 20 secs and repeat 20 times daily, Tai chi breathing techniques, liquid chlorophyll drink, Rx water, bla..bla..bla..Most important thing to remember,. do not forget to breathe even when I am sooo involved in any work, muy importante...No wonder the nurses at the recovery room would wake me up after my surgery, to get me to breathe properly..they told me,my oxygen level is low..wonder if I could borrow one of Michael Jackson's oxygen chamber.

June is here.....MasyaAllah, how time flies...

2009-06-02T21:40:00.002+08:00

It's June already....6 good months before I get to work again..been a little bit busy lately doing some work related warming up projects . I am so thankful that I have the opportunity to do those stuff that I have missed so much.
Thanks to Allah, I have the energy to do everything I needed to do.It's true , I work best under stress.That's not good for me I guess. Sometimes, I feel like when I am so involved in doing something, I feel like at times I forgot to breathe. That explains the lack of half moons on my nails[ref: yatibahar's blog post].I only have the half moon on my thumb nails and that's it. No wonder the cancer cells had so much fun multiplying, with the lack of oxygen in my body.Now, what can I do about that...???
I'm leaving for KL tomorrow, going to get some stuff done. Coming back early next week, I hope to spend some quality time with the boys before school reopens. Have been neglecting their chit chats lately because I was busy preparing things for the project.

A month to celebrate....

2009-05-22T23:10:00.002+08:00

Things are finally back to be almost a normal life for me, at least for this month.Hmmm, what a special month.Haiqal pointed out to me,"Mom, you have so many things to celebrate this month, Workers' Day, then your Birthday, and then, Mothers' Day and then Teachers' Day....." and I added "Yes, and to top it off ,no doctor's appointment this month!!!!"
Not that I dislike the thought of seeing my oncologist and surgeon, but a month of doctor's appointment break do make me feel normal again..although I will definitely never be normal, physically again. You know, the feeling you have while waiting to see the doctor is,...inexplainable..only those going through such phase will understand it. I hope I don't sound like I'm fretting about anything, I'm not. I am just trying to tell you all those normal people that there is so much going through the mind of a cancer survivor. Dealing with the physical aspect is pretty much easier than the emotional aspect.One has to be real strong in living with the cancer stigma.

Yeay....I have started taking the blended Asparagus as suggested by my dear Apoy/Uda and Sir Ismail. I like the taste( really?) although I would prefer to eat steamed asparagus with the yummy, creamy Hollandaise sauce. It tasted just like steamed asparagus minus the delicious sauce. At this point of my life, anything is better than nothing.

My ex student,Khusaini, fondly known as Kucai has worked out something brilliant for me. I thank him for this. Involving me with such project will hopefully bring my vibrant self back.Doing something which is so close to my heart will hopefully bring back the courage to prepare me for "back to work spirit". Thank You, Kucai. Happy Teacher's Day to you, dear son!

Thank You, Allah for all the things I'm blessed with. The time to be with my kids and husband, the time to make me closer to You, oh dear God..Ya Rahman, Ya Rahim.
Thank You Allah, Thank You Allah.

Visitors,visitors..

2009-05-02T14:22:00.002+08:00

What a wonderful week it has been. Last weekend, Dilla Rose came to visit[Thank You, Dilla and friends,wished I could entertain you at home]
Then,I have visitors from KL, Kak Hanim on Tuesday and on Wednesday, a couple of YBs[read:Yang Bersara], Kak Sam and Kak Chit and and for this particular visit, another YB is made to be the host...YB En.Faruk and YB Pn.Rasheedah{thank you people, for such wonderful time}.I have enjoyed the time and especially, the food.Wished I could eat more.Kak Chit, I hope to be able to entertain you at home for your next visit.[Make it next year,..ha..ha.ha...]
Yesterday, I received a call from my sister in law, Apoy from Brunei, telling me to be online for another skype session later in the evening. What a wonderful surprise that was, they actually threw a surprise virtual birthday party for me, complete with dua for my recovery from cancer, recited by a friend of my brother,Habib. Thank you Uda, Apoy and family, Adib, Widad and Qadry. I was really touched, even though I couldn't eat the goodies served,hu...hu...hu...
No wonder Islam encourage us to always be nice to other people. Even small gesture which represent kindness usually will make the receiving party happy and appreciated, what more an even bigger action such as visiting a cancer patient.Thank you, all!May Allah repay your kindness and bless you with a prosperous life.

Reaching out.........

2009-04-17T23:03:00.004+08:00

Went to see my oncologist yesterday. Well, we decided that radiotherapy is not relevant for me at the moment. My tumor marker reading will only be known next week.My next move will be determined by the result of the blood test.Hmmmm...That sounds good enough for me. I agree with Dr.Hassanah's suggestion to take this as a possible recurrence and do everything I could to fight the growth of cancer cells. This is what I like most about blogging, I get to share experience with fellow cancer survivors. Sharing, that is a real strong word, especially for a newly diagnosed cancer patient.
When a person first discovered that she/he has cancer, the thing that she/he needs most is to talk to someone who has gone through the experience of managing cancer.Any reading material on cancer will just be as good. Not that it's going to make any difference in a physical sense, but it surely matters emotionally. It just help to lift up the spirit a bit, enough to motivate you to feel that there is SOMETHING that can be done. I was once told by an experienced registered nurse, who happens to be my sister in law(thanks ,Kak Rohani),"True,some people do die from cancer, but it sure worth to go through treatments suggested by the doctors, to live a better quality of life while waiting for THE TIME to come."Coming from someone who had had vast amount of experience dealing with sick people, her words do make a big impact in my life as a cancer patient.
I was first told I have cancer in the morning, and I was told to go for my CTscan to determine just how extensive my cancer cells have spread,and I had to go see the doctor again after lunch time is over.
I didn't have any idea about breast cancer except that it has claimed the life of Datin Sri Hendon. I have 2 friends who died from colon cancer, and I have an ex student who survived from lymphoma cancer.And I thought," Hey, it's one out of three, that's not so good." I was clueless on what is breast cancer. Allah S.W.T gave me exactly what I needed then. There it was, on the sofa in the waiting room, an issue of Health Today, filled with so many information on Breast cancer. My dear God, how could I not feel so blessed? I read and I read and later when I get to see the doctor I quizzed him on all the things that I have read to get more information. True, when you have more information, you are likely to be less panicky dealing with the diagnosis.
Yesterday,Rosliya(the happy cancer survivor who just celebrated her 5 years of life after cancer)) and I got to talk about how we can share our experience with those in need, the people who have just been told,"I am sorry, but you have Ca!"
How can we, the survivors of cancer of any type,reach out to those people and share our experience?

Good seeds...grow into beautiful, useful plants.

2009-04-06T21:02:00.003+08:00

Last week I met Dar, an ex student at Pusrawi.Just two days ago, ex-students,newly wed Syuhada and Nizal came to BP for a visit.Cute couple, Syuhada's doing her housemanship in HUSM and Nizal is working in KB, good for them. Adi another ex student just got back from abroad and is starting a career in Kulim and we will be able to meet up for lunch when I start working again in January. Kuchai is flying up north next week and we planned to have a mkn2 session. And the person that I couldn't possibly forget is, Dilla an ex student who took 2 days leave just to stay with me when I was hospitalized(how could I ever repay you, girl?). Another caring person, Azzim who would check on my condition from time to time.I am also enjoying meeting those ex students who are actively socializing virtually.
How nice to meet up with ex students in person or virtually. The only nagging thing that came about with these meetings is the reality that hit me. Hey, these kids have grown up and some of them now even have children of their own. That makes me feel so ancient..but I just love seeing them again, I don't mind feeling old and gray. The fact that I was a small part of their growing up years made me happy just to see them again now,as a responsible grown up person.
Happy means sending good vibes in my body and I thank God for blessing me with such an opportunity to be working with with these wonderful kids. May Allah bless all of you.
I lost my own son in 2006 and in 2007 , I was promoted to take care of almost 1000 kids of the same age as my late son, at a post secondary college. Although I was very thankful for God has given me the opportunity to care for the lot, I was still very sad most of the time, then. That could be one of the factor that encouraged the growth of my cancer cells. Now, I feel that God again has blessed me with ample time to do soul searching and what not, to be a better person. I will have to extend my reading and widen my knowledge for I will be taking care of a group of more mature students.Help me God, I need all the strength to carry out my duty as your servant, Ya Allah.

[Sharing a reminder ]
Firman Allah S.W.T yang bermaksud:
"Demi masa. Sesungguhnya manusia itu benar-benar berada dalam kerugian, kecuali orang-orang yang beriman dan mengerjakan amal saleh dan nasihat menasihati supaya mentaati kebenaran dan nasihat menasihati supaya menetapi kesabaran."
[ Al-Ashr (103):1 - 3]

The patient who needs to have patience.

2009-04-02T09:50:00.000+08:00

I have been told by some people even my late father, that I am very patient [don't laugh, Pak Meon]. I refuse to believe that. I can't even tolerate a non smiling, grumbling cashier who gave your change without saying thank you, let alone putting up a smile. I couldn't even relax when my son who took his own sweet time getting ready when his friend is already waiting for him outside of our house.I would muster all kinds of not so nice words to criticize the other drivers when I am behind the wheel and darling hubby would tell me ,"Relax, your eyes are popping out !"That would bring a smile to my face.

I am still very much far from the definition of a patient person, and I am not proud of that.

Luckily for me, God blessed me with patience during all those time I waited for my turn to be wheeled into the operation theater(5 times).Knowing that God will help me through all the time gave me the strength that I needed.Syukur Alhamdulillah.

As much as I want to be patient all the time, I failed quite a bit sometimes.God has given me the opportunities to find out whether I do have that quality in me.It is really up to me as a human who errs(more often than not)to keep working hard to be more patient. To be grateful for all the blessings I have in my life. God gave me two years of free time to take up reading and learn more about what I need to learn to become a better person. Help me God, I need all the strength to keep on improving myself.

Sharing[ Bimbingan Mukmin: Imam Al Ghazali]

1.Sabda Rasulullah s.a.w yang bermaksud:
"Barangsiapa menahan kemarahannya, maka Allah akan menahan seksaNya kepada orang itu dan barangsiapa mengemukakan keuzuran kepada Tuhannya, maka Allah akan menerima uzurnya dan barangsiapa yang menyimpan lisannya(tidak suka menyingkap rahsia orang lain), maka Allah akan menutupi keburukannya."
(Diriwayatkan ole Thabrani dan Baihak)

2.Maksud sabda Rasulullah:
"Orang yang paling gagah perkasa di antara kami semua itu ialah orang yang dapat mengalahkan nafsunya di waktu marah dan orang yang tersabar di antara kamu semua ialah orang yang suka memaafkan kesalahan orang lain padahal dia kuasa untuk membalasnya."
(Diriwayatkan ole Ibnu Abu Dunya, Baihaki dan lain-lain)

Reason to be happy...

2009-04-01T10:21:00.000+08:00

Two days ago I was feeling kinda low, for the obvious reason. I did what I had planned to do to uplift my spirit as well doing things I thought would be of help to others, however small the gesture is, and hey! it really works wonders in bringing back the motivation that I need to keep on being happy.

Come to think of it, happiness is really subjective.

To some, popping pills, getting the jabs and what not to maintain that youthful look is making them happy. Thus, telling them they look young for their age makes them happy.To others, being alive for another day to see your children is enough to create that happiness.
My newfound meaning of happiness is making others happy.Not that I haven't done it at all, but from now on it's done with careful thinking. Sometimes, it is better to be quiet to make others happy, sometimes swallowing my angry words will make others happy, at times listening to others grumble will make other people happy, and being helpful is definitely will make others elated.
It is surely not easy to achieve that, but it's worth the effort. It's true, making other people happy will surely bring happiness to ourself.

Sharing:[Bimbingan untuk mencapai Tingkat Mukmin: Imam Al-Ghazali]
1.
Sabda Rasulullah s.a.w.
" Adakah kamu semua mengetahui siapakah orang yang diharamkan memasuki neraka?"
Para sahabat menjawab," Allah dan RasulNya sahajalah yang lebih mengetahui,"Baginda s.a.w. lalu bersabda: "Iaitu orang yang lemah lembut, mudah dalam segala hal, ringan tangan dan suka mendekati sesiapapun."
( Diriwayatkan oleh Tarmizi)

2.
Sabda Rasulullah s.a.w.
"Barangsiapa memberikan kegembiraan kepada seorang mukmin, maka Allah akan memebrikan kegembiraan kepadanya pada hari Kiamat."
(Diriwayatkan ole Ibnu Mubarak)

Ca15.3 puzzle...solve it if you can.

2009-03-30T11:06:00.000+08:00

I just came back from KL last night. My appointment with the surgeon went well despite the troubling questions on why the tooot.....my cancer marker reading shot up from the safe number 33 to 42 in 2 months.My PETscan result was wonderful, so, why does this blood test show otherwise?Having read Shin's blog entries on her escalating cancer marker reading made me feel like, uh oh.,....!!!I am now confused.
May be I still don't understand cancer as well as I need too.
3 Steps to Problem solving should comprise of
1.knowing/understanding the root of the issue
2.making plans to deal with the issue
3.working out the plans
I am quite disappointed with myself for not completing even the first step...There's no point getting angry with myself, no, there's no point getting angry,PERIOD.It will only increase acidity in my body and thus worsen the situation.
I guess it's time for me top up my mega dose of reading Al Mulk, Ar Rahman, Yaasin, Don't be sad, Uplift, Ubat hati, To be the happiest woman,Allah sayang kamu, and other spirit uplifting reading material.
[sharing something I picked up from UBAT HATI by Siti Norbahyah Mahamood bersama Ida Ezyani Othman]
DOA MEMOHON KETENANGAN HATI
Daripada Abu Umamah bahawa Rasulullah s.a.w mengajar doa ini kepada seorang lelaki.

"Ya Allah, aku memohon dari-Mu jiwa yang tenang, yang beriman dengan pertemuan dengan-Mu, reda dengan ketentuan-Mu, dan merasa cukup dengan pemberian-Mu"

Aneurysm revisited.....hu hu hu hu......

2009-03-12T17:10:00.000+08:00

Last Sunday , after almost 3 years have passed,I went to visit a girl who survived from a case of aneurysm, it's a hemorrhage of the blood vessel, and for Tiqa, it was in her brain. She just got home from her boarding school right after her SPM examination when it happened.It was December 2006.Since it happened in Penang, her mom managed to send her to the next available neuro surgeon for operation to get rid of the blood clot. She was in coma for a while, and when I saw her last Sunday, my tears just rolled down uncontrollably.This is the girl who scored 10 As in her SPM and here she is, unable to do the simplest thing as to bring food to her mouth. She couldn't talk or walk or sit on her own, she had to use diapers etc etc....But deep beneath all that incapabilities lies a person who is still able to think and remember faces and people she knew, she could even express her anger. She would nod her head when she recognize a visitor or she would point a finger to her head indicating she doesn't remember. I was sitting there, watching her having her lunch(spoon fed by her maid)my mind was elsewhere...I was busy wallowing in my own self pity,..thinking about my late son,Hilman who had that same hemorrhage of the blood vessel in his brain on the day of Nuzul Quran (it was Tuesday)that year. In his case, I wasn't able to do anything because it happened after he returned to his UITM campus in Arau. They sent him to Kangar hospital and as by the time I reached there at 1 am, I was told there was nothing that could be done to help him. It sounded like a death sentence to me. I managed to inform my sisters and brothers who came all the way from KL to give their support. A day has passed with us hanging around the hospital trying to have him transferred back to Penang. Luckily, with much hard work and interference from relevant authority, we managed to have him transferred from Kangar hospital to Penang hospital on Thursday. I took the ambulance ride along with my darling son from Kangar to Penang. I was emotionally numb, I had no tears in my eyes, I didn't know how to cry.Dear God , I do not know what is best for him or me,and I just do not know what to ask for...please help me, God.I kept reciting dua for him or for me, I wasn't sure.I leave it up to God ..We even checked with the neurosurgeon in the nearest hospital and we were told that we were hours too late to save him...Later that night a sister offered to take care of him and she told me to get some proper rest.She is a registered nurse,and when she insisted on caring for Hilman that night, I gave in.
That Friday morning at 5.30 a.m my husband and I were back on our way to the hospital. We made an agreement not to shed tears and to tell him that we are prepared to bid him farewell. All morning, I sat beside him, sometimes, whispering into his ear, telling him how much I love him, how much I wanted him to live, but if it was really time for us to part, we have to redha for whatever was coming to us." Mama halalkan makan minum abang dan mama maafkan abang dan mama minta maaf pada abang atas apa jua kesilapan mama, tiada siapa lagi tempat untuk mama serahkan abang kecuali Allah swt.Of course, I will miss you, tapi jika inilah ketikanya janji abang untuk kembali kepadaNya, mama redha, pergilah sayang hari ini hari Jumaat, 20 Ramadhan, hari baik bulan baik, mama sayang abang, tapi Allah lebih sayangkan abang."
He took his last breath right before azan untuk Solat Jumaat that afternoon. I guess I was too numbed to cry right until after funeral. Well, I still cry every now and then, when I think of him...

p.s:it is such an eery coincidence that Muhammad Hilman and Tiqa were classmates when they were in Standard One and Two.

Pain in the neck...........of a tooth.

2009-03-06T18:53:00.000+08:00

I have been having not so fun days lately, due to the exposed part of my tooth which resulted from gum problem.The pain is unbearable.Had been to the dentist, she did what she could and I had to bear the pain for a few days..Alhamdulillah..the pain has subsided today and I am almost back to normal. Tell you the truth, it's not much fun having to ignore the boys most of the time due the pain I was having most of the time..but they have been very sweet and understanding. Thank God for such wonderful blessing.
Sometimes I just have to pinch myself to make me realise just how lucky I am. I am blessed with so much time to be spent with my family and here I am....sometimes, looking forward to going back to work.Why can't I just enjoy the time that I have now, doing things that I know my boys will love and appreciate...Help me, dear God! Forgive me for all the time I have wasted not doing the right thing.

Where's the ZZZZZZzzzzzzzzzzz?

2009-02-20T04:21:00.000+08:00

It's half past four in the morning and I couldn't bring myself to sleep...Ntah apa apa harini..
I think that is just me...Now I recall those sleepless nights that I had had when I was working..And I know the reason why..my mind just refused to sleep..I kept thinking about whatever the issue was, until I find the solution to whatever was bothering me.Kononnya problem solverlah tu...I guess that causes stress, and stress contribute to the growth of cancer cells.That is why I need to realign my priority setting. Hopefully it would minimize stress.

Well, dah lama pun tak cukup tidur...selalunya terlebih tidur..tak palah kot..Hope I'll be able to send those kids to school on time though.

I have been doing something creative lately, making dip flowers. Seeing my Kak Ngah diligently working on her flower making, I just fell for it.Got everything I needed from KL, I started my project. It gives me pleasure seeing the outcome. I'm surprise I have the patience to go through every single step right until arranging the bouquets. Orang kata, tak cuba tak tahu, kan?

Human with errs.

2009-02-16T10:38:00.000+08:00

Many things have happened since the last time I posted on the blog.
Picking up little chubby Haiqal one fine afternoon after the Chinese New Year break, he had a sad expression on his face. Then, he said," Mom, Marissa's mother just died!"I frozed. Although I had never had a chance to talk to her, I feel sorry for this little girl. Later I found out that her mother had died from complications of the heart due to an infection caused by her thyroid condition.Innalillah wa inna illaihi ro jiunn..It was a sad day for us, we were sad for Marissa....
Then,I found out that Shin, a breast cancer had had her final breath. Having read some of her posts, I also felt sad for her two young kids. However, I do believe they will turn out just fine for they have a great support from a string of good friends.
This is life. Each and everyone of us will eventually leave this world. We just do not know when and how. Until that moment comes, we have to keep on living, enjoying the company of those whom we love, doing meaningful things we enjoy, praying and thanking Allah for everything we are blessed with and etc, etc, etc...
Most recently, I heard my friend is in ICU for a possible complications of her internal organs due to the ruptured of her appendicitis. It seems the infection has spread.I couldn't possibly brush this piece of news aside[thank you Zu Jamaluddin]and just wait for more news, not anymore..I had to go to KL to see her condition.
Seeing her in such condition made me feel so helpless. Although I was glad that, at least she was able to communicate with me though scribbling, I found out that it was more depressing for me to have known the fact that she was in so much pain, and I feel soo bad because I couldn't possibly do anything to help ease the pain she is having.Thank God, I could see, she is a fighter, she faced the ordeal with zikir and prayers and I do believe Allah is looking after her. Whatever will happen, will happen in God's will, and it is definitely the best for us. Peanut, I hope you will have a speedy recovery. My love and prayers are with you.
Somehow, all that have happened recently forced me to think,'Hey, shouldn't I be thankful for all the things I am blessed with?"Sometimes, I just forgot to appreciate the things I have, at times I keep wondering how would it feel to have the things that I don't have.Well, I am only human with weakness. I can hope and work towards becoming a human with minimum err. So, please help me, oh dear God.

The eclipes of the sun

2009-01-27T22:10:00.000+08:00

I had my PETscan on Thursday, and due to the unusual state of mind as a result from that "Life's most embarrassing moment", I forgot to also mention that I already have the result of the PETscan ready by noon. Alhamdulillah, the result is good, I passed with flying colour...
Tapi, yang tak sedap tu, dalam report tu ada recommendation for bone scan..that is if I wanted to be really sure..
My oncologist already wanted to see me 2 weeks earlier than the scheduled appointment when she called last week, to give the result of the Ca 15.3. Will have to inform her what has happened to me since the last time we talked.

Anyway, I was stuck in KL due to that PETscan, for extra 2 days. That left the boys to be under the care of their daddy who is so much sweeter,..and as a result,they had a joyful day off from school on Thursday. Explaining their unbecoming day off, the little one said, "Mom, we prayed hard for your well being, that you will be okay, that your PETscan will be fine..." Yeah..Yeah...kids..

Traveled back from KL on Thursday right after the procedure, and on Saturday everyone in the family minus Hafiz [ he said his teacher has assigned tons and tons of homework] traveled to Rawang for another kenduri kahwin. There, I was introduced to a recently diagnosed cancer of the lymphoma survivor. He is still undergoing chemotherapy treatment. Well, all the best wishes for him. His words touched me deeply," Every single day is a bonus for me ".True..

But then again, with or without cancer, every single day IS indeed a bonus for each and everyone of us. If each and everyone could think that way, we will always be striving to be a better person by the day.And the world will be a nicer place filled with good people.

Just came back from KL yesterday, and during our journey we saw an unusually beautiful phenomenon. The clouds were very, very, very blue ...due to solar eclipse..It was just ..beautiful..
MasyaAllah! SubhanAllah! Totally, ecstatically, beautiful...

What not to do during PET scan..ho..ho..ho...

2009-01-23T22:37:00.000+08:00

My cancer marker[15.3] has elevated to above 32.Oh , here goes, I thought! My appointment with my surgeon was full of QA session, and later she sent me to do ultra sound. Ultra sound didn't show any funny image..so, what now? Cancer marker reading shot up from 18 to 28 to above 32 in 6 months.
So, my surgeon sent me to do PETscan. I could still remember how nervous I was when I went that CT scan procedure right after I was told I have cancer about a year ago. Now, I will have to go through that same procedure again. I keep telling myself, God is great, and He will look after me, and all I have to do is to be strong and keep thinking positively about everything. The scanning period will only be half an hour.It will be over soon, it will be over soon....
And so the time came,...I was ushered into a small day care ward.A doctor came and while doing what what he had to do, he kept talking to me about getting the right food to improve my body's immune system.he suggested blended celery, cucumber and green apple. Persimmon and red dragonfruit and yoghurt. Those are my favourite! ooh ...but then again, everything else is also my favourite..steak, satay, barbequed chicken,..bla..bla..bla..[will have to do something about this, pronto!]
Anyway, I was later given a drug to calm me down and was asked to lie down on a bed in a very small room.There was nothing else in the room.The light was dimmed, I was left alone to relax. I couldn't get myself to relax because the piped music which was played was not soothing enough for me. I had to go the the loo 4 times because I was told to fast 6 hours before scanning and also to drink lots of water. About 15 minutes before they call me into the imaging room, they gave me urine inducer...that's when the trouble began..Like I said I had gone to pee several times already even before the urine inducer was administered.
I didn't feel comfortable, even while walking to the imaging room I felt like going to the toilet. I didn't expect to experience such discomfort.Hmmm....
I was told not to move for the next 30 minutes after they carefully laid me down on the bunk and covered me with blankets.Yeah, I told myself this will be okay.....Then they started the scanning process..As my body went through the tunnel, I kept reciting my doa to calm me down..and suddenly, 10 minutes through the scanning I felt such a HUGE urge to urinate...OHHHH DEAR!!!!For 10 darn minutes, I tried my best to hold it, and when I couldn't stand it any longer, I cried out loud,"Hello? hello,...HELLOOO? Help, HELP, HELLLPPPP!!!!!I felt like crawling out of the tunnel, the pressure to pee was sooo bad....Nobody answered me,and I thought, hey, I will have to do something to catch their attention, so I wriggle my feet...and voila,... they came to check on me,...
Z: What's the problem , ma'am?
Myself: I really , reallly, really, really, really need to pee..
Z: We are not done yet, could you wait for just a little bit?
Myself: Ohh please, please,..No, I definitely can't hold it any longer.This is not just the normal pee,this is "induced pee"
Z: Okay, I tell you what, accidents like this do happen a lot, if you can't hold it any longer, you just let it flow!
[Hearing what he had just said,I felt like someone has just saved me from a terrible torture ]
Myself: Are you sure?????
Z: Yes, go ahead....
And the rest is history........I apologized profusely to the staff of the imaging room that day..
This is indeed the most embarrassing moment in my whole life thus far...
and I am sharing this to lift up the spirit of those who had to go through PETscan or any procedure to trace cancer cell...It is normal to feel nervous, just think of this story.. I hope this will make you smile...

Busy again..

2009-01-12T20:38:00.000+08:00

Life is back to usual routine with the kids back in school.Driving them to and fro, in addition,Haiqal to sekolah agama session and mengaji later..and not to mention co curricular activities in the afternoon and giving Hazim driving lesson...I guess I can't complain much..in fact, I should be thankful to God for giving me this opportunity to attend to the kids the way they love it. Their mom's always at home for them. I can sense they are thankful too, they are being extremely sweet all the time.Ahaa....!!(the way Fran[the nanny] does it).

Arwah Hilman had once complained that I never , never cook all the three meals in a day; breakfast, lunch and dinner..Now that he's no longer around, I have all the time in the world to cook even for morning and afternoon tea as well. Sad? May be a little bit, I refuse to live in the past. I'm learning from all the mistakes I have made to become a better person, a better mom for that matter.

There seems to be many newcomers in the form of cats lately. In addition to Oyen and Kedek, the more regular newcomers are given names as well. They are Oyang, Tiger , Snowy and Tough. Currently, Oyen is acting Master of the cat house. Kedek is the assistant, I don't believe he would the Master at all, because he refuses to be touched by us. He would accept the food and drinks given, but would never let us near him. Among the newcomers, I like Tiger best because he looks a bit like Citam.How pathetic of me, huh?
Funny, before this, I have never had any interest in cats. After we had Citam, cats do steal my attention, even the stray cats.The whole family will just talk about the cats we see when we go out to eat, comparing them with our dear Citam. I guess when you have more time, you can freely appreciate the good things in life, extending your love to the cats...

Haven't heard anything from my oncologist regarding my cancer marker. I hope, no news is good news. I have been feeling better lately, the coughs are gone and my throat is clear. Guess, I will have to wait for my next appointment to find out about the reading.

Moving on..

2008-12-24T17:16:00.000+08:00

Still feeling sad today, but I guess I have got to bring my focus on other things like getting the kids ready for their back to school session. Hazim is also taking his driving lesson, so in some ways, things are slowly moving back to normal minus Citam's usual antics.

Lesson to learn from the tragedy is, appreciate what you have now, not later when all is gone. Tell the people you love how much you value their company, how much they mean to you. Please them whenever you can, and when the time finally come for them to go, we won't be left with any regret.

I have an appointment with my oncologist this Saturday, well I hope my cough and cold has nothing to do with any type of recurrence..I have been good with controlling my intake of food lately, I just hope my blood test will not show any funny reading. Haiqal promised to accompany me to KL if he's not too busy uploading pictures into his Facebook.............Kids..!

Citam found dead...

2008-12-22T22:29:00.000+08:00

The whole of last night I my bedroom window was wide open, waiting for Citam to climb in. Until the wee hour in the morning , when Haiqal was heard sobbing beside me because Citam isn't back yet, I knew something was definitely not right. Nevertheless, I wanted to think positively, may be Harris' friend saw him and kept him.

In the morning, I just couldn't figure out what to do, where to start looking for him.Found out that he has been missing since Friday. Huh? Where could he be..It's so not like him, not coming home.So, we drove around the Taman. No sight of him.I couldn't help thinking of the worst scenario.

Met Hifzah, and she told us that there was a cat that fits the description of Citam, who loves to be cuddled and tickled by her children. Harris' eyes widened and our hopes reached sky high. She promised to send him home to us if he turn up again.

We were starving, but nothing could pass through the mouth. None of us could eat anything. We had to find him.(dead or alive).It was almost 3 pm when I went out to buy some food. Harris called to say that he found the body of Citam. I turned the car around heading straight to the house. I couldn't possibly tapau anything not knowing whether the body was really Citam's.

I couldn't get myself to look at it, initially..But I needed to be sure, I hope Harris was wrong. But how could he be wrong, from the shape of the tail he knew very well that it was him.Haiqal took one look at the body and he went running into the house, crying.I forced myself to look at it, there it was, our beloved Citam. Lifeless, there were signs of cuts on the neck, clearly he was bitten by the stray dog.I have always had a bad feeling about the stray dogs in the Taman. Complaints have been filed, actions have yet to be taken by the authority. Sadly, Citam had been a victim.

I still couldn't forget how he jumped inside our car and took his favorite seat and watched while were packing our bags into the car the day we left for Kuala Lumpur on Thursday. He refused to be left behind, we had to get Harris to hold him still while I backed up the car and drove further up so I won't run over him. As if , he was telling us that he was going to leave us. that was our Citam. He was so manja. How could we ever forget him? After we buried him, the boys and I just sat around and talked about nothing but Citam. Citam this, and Citam that..In between our tears we laughed at the funny memories of him. We now know that there will be no more knocking on the door in the morning(yes, He does that!). No more sneaking in the room through the window. No more begging for a drive around the neighborhood(He would jump in the car when we were about to get out, and he refused to go out before we take him for a drive around the Taman)..Ooohhh Citam how sad it is to lose you this way..momma will always love you.

God knows best. We were not meant to be around when he got hurt. We were spared from the vision of him writhing in pain and not being able to do anything about it. We would be more devastated and traumatized. God knows how weak our hearts are.Thank You God..
Please God,please.. make it easy for us to go through this loss, give us strength to move on.

Help!Citam is missing..

2008-12-22T09:27:00.000+08:00

The whole family spent 4 days in KL and just returned last night. Something was just not in order!
There is no Citam running to us welcoming us home..I didn't feel good about it but kept telling Haiqal," It's okay, he just went for a walk, he' ll be back." At 2 am, I woke to find Haiqal sobbing beside me." It's already 2 in the morning and Citam is still not back yet..."Oh God, at times like this, I wished I didn't agree to keep Citam when he was still a tiny kitten, in the first place, eight months ago. The whole family has grown attached to him and it's so sad when now we just do not know where to find him.

I just hope Citam will come home soon..

It's December again...

2008-12-16T16:00:00.000+08:00

Alhamdulillah, Aidil Adha went very well with me and my family. Along and daughter came over so did Abang Best and his family. They came to spend Hari Raya with us in Penang, how lovely! We had fun baking cup cakes and decorate them, we spent another day mandi sungai and my boys, Haiqal especially, just love it.

This time last year, they were in Penang ,visiting me in the hospital. I can still remember the feeling waking up on the hospital bed that Raya morning. Felt a little sad, but by middle of the day, my family plus my brothers and sisters and my many, many teenager nieces and nephews filled up my room.Luckily, I was the only patient in that four bedded room that day so, the nurses didn't mind 'the big party' we had.

True, a cancer patient needs all the support he/she can get from his/her loved ones to face the ordeal in dealing with life after cancer. What would really help is the faith he/she has in God, the believe that Allah will always answer his/her prayer, sooner or later. Reading Raden Galoh's latest post(pain, pain, go away..) made me feel sad for she had to go through the pain and discomfort during her second chemotherapy. Thank God,at any point of my chemotherapy, I had never experienced the pain she described. It made me wonder, may be I am not as strong as Raden Galoh, to go through such test. I hope she will recover and will be back to her usual self soon.

Fran Drescher, cancer survivor?

2008-12-03T17:55:00.000+08:00

I have been watching the reruns of The Nanny for a long time now. I have been wondering why did the show had to come to an end.

Haiqal told me, "Mom,I think you should wikipedia Fran Fine" "Oh very well" I thought. I did just that and how surprised I was to learn that Fran Drescher is a cancer survivor.

She has since done a remarkable work to alert others about the importance of closely managing your own body. Get checked regularly to make sure, if you happen to have cancer, it would be detected at an early stage, thus improving the quality of life you have after completing all the necessary treatment.

She has done a wonderful job setting up Cancer Schmancer to help others.

I wish I had the strength to do even less than half of what she has done. Hmm....

For one more day-Oprah

2008-12-02T15:46:00.000+08:00

I just couldn't stop my tears from rolling down watching Oprah interviewed her guests. The topic- What would you do if you could have your departed loved one just for one more day...My dear son, Hilman, I am so sorry.I just can't hold back my tears sometimes. I miss you so much. Having spent the whole day, yesterday, going out with your brothers made me even miss you more. But I know what I would want to do if I were given another day with you..I would listen to your views on so many things.I would tell you just how much I am proud of you for you have been such a darling son.I would tell you over and over again just how much I love and treasure you. I will hold you tight and shower you with kisses and I would pray to God to take care of you. You have been such a good son and I love you so much, my first born!
I do not know when is this grieving period will ever end for me..I pray to God for forgiveness for I become very weak when it comes to missing my Hilman..but Haiqal would always be reminding me," Mom, Hilman will be sad if you are sad. Please don't be sad, Mom".Thank You, darling Haiqal! You resemble Hilman so much, in so many ways.Thank You God, for giving me other children who love and care for me..

Happy, happy holiday!

2008-12-01T10:25:00.000+08:00

Hooray, hooray, it's a holi holi day...Thank God for the time given to spend with my kids this holiday season..This time last year, I was in the hospital for a big chunk of the holiday..
I went for my appointment last week, they took x-ray for my chest and ultra sound scan of my liver..Good news it is..Syukur Alhamdulillah......I was quite worried about the possibility of recurrence or metastasis to the other part of my body..I haven't been good with my food pantang although there has been some improvement, but I have been very good in taking my medication and supplements.But the Dr. said," You should really focusing on your daily life rather than worrying about the uncertain future"...Betullah tu..memang susah nak tukar habit 'warrior of the worrier' ni...
Watched Oprah's back to back sessions with Dr Oz yesterday..wow..so many things can be learned from her show..even Haiqal ( my chubby 9 year old baby)was excited about his plan to lose weight...I hope it's not one of his 'hot hot chicken shit' program.

Cancer, cancer go away....

2008-11-13T16:19:00.000+08:00

Yesterday, a former colleague of mine passed away at 7 am due to colon cancer. A few months after she retired, she was diagnosed with Stage IV colon cancer. She had an operation, went through several rounds of chemotherapy and just about 6 months after learning she had cancer, she died, leaving behind a husband and 3 daughters and a son.Alfatihah for Hazbeeza Chew Abdullah..Been meaning to visit her since last Sunday but I failed to do so. What else is new with me..a great procrastinator.
Life remains a mystery, nobody knows what's going to happen in the future. To be safe, always be nice to other people, for you might die tomorrow, cancer or no cancer....

What's interesting to me is ..the fact that a friend was reluctant to tell me about Kak Bee's passing because she said I might feel down or scared or crushed that yet another person has died from cancer..Hmmm...

To me, each and everyone of us will die eventually..whether we are ready or not. We can only pray that we will granted with a beautiful ending. Until then, live your life to the fullest, meaning, enjoy the company of your loved ones, pray and pray to seek forgiveness from Allah, help people for it gives you happiness. Be grateful for all the blessings Allah showers you with and you will feel complete.

I remember Athen's words during Arwah Hilman's last night. "Let go of him," she said. "Allah let him be in your care for 17 years already.Be thankful that you had him for all those years..Just imagine others who tried but couldn't conceive, others who looked for a perfect match but couldn't find any..."

It's true.Start counting your blessings..it sure beats the "test" you have to endure.
Enjoy Life, be grateful to Him.

Next appointment

2008-10-15T14:21:00.000+08:00

I wonder how my next appointment's gonna be like. It's only next week, and I'm already sick to the stomach with anxiety. Just got to know about what happened to Raden Galoh, the blogger. She had been told that she has final stage of cancer in July.Her cancer cells have spread to various parts of her body and to me, that is depressing. She has been so strong all the while.
Sometimes, we just tend to oversee the signs of depression shown by our loved ones. We brushed it aside and label them as laziness, grumpiness, and what not. What goes inside of their mind is truly a mystery. What we need to do is to be more caring and read more to get more input about stress and depression and what we can do about it to help those we love.
Children and family of a cancer survivor may be traumatized by the fact that their loved one is stricken with cancer. They may not even know that they are depressed, they only show some signs of depression.I've got to do more reading now,..Thank God, now that I am on leave,I have more time to read. Truly a Godsend blessing.

Palms Can Foretell Cancer

2008-10-13T08:57:00.000+08:00

Palms Can Foretell Cancer

Berakhirnya Ramadhan

2008-10-12T00:18:00.000+08:00

Syawal approaches as Ramadhan is leaving us. What do you know? I just couldn't help my tears from falling while trying to concentrate on the tahlil session lead by the Imam right after Solat Sunat Idilfitri. I miss my late son,Hilman so much...Astaghfirullah! God please help me.
It has been two years, and I should have been over that phase already..but I guess I'm just being weak..
I can't go on being sad all the time..I have a caring husband and 4 other sons to love and to live with..I need to learn to be more thankful for everything else I've been blessed with.
Yeah, may be that will work.That's what I'll do, every time I feel like crying for my loss, I have to start counting my blessings. Forgive me, God!

Be A Survivor - Breast Cancer Treatment Guide

2008-10-11T21:55:00.000+08:00

Be A Survivor - Breast Cancer Treatment Guide

Another friend in memory

2008-09-15T05:49:00.000+08:00

On Saturday, at 1940 a friend of mine, passed away peacefully from lung cancer which has spread to her spine.Leaving behind a husband and three children who seem to be strong in facing the loss of their loved one. She found out she had lung cancer when after she went through a medical check up prior to her departure to Australia to further study, earlier this year. What a shock it was to know that the cancer has already gotten to Stage 4.Nevertheless, she was very optimistic about the whole thing, always telling the friends and family she would be just fine, and that they do not have to worry about her..She did wonders to her children. They were quite prepared to accept the mother's passing, they were calm and composed..It touched many hearts who came to pay their last respect, including me..
To me, it was very, very touching...Alfatihah!
May Allah bless your soul,..Rohaya Ibrahim.

Fine needle biopsy result

2008-08-19T21:01:00.000+08:00

Just came home from KL for my doctor's appointment. The result from the test is.......thank god, it's not cancerous...it's just some kind of fibroid. Alhamdulillah....this means I do not have to go under the knife soon.....that is quite a relief...
Got back early so that I can be with the whole family for the school holiday..Hazim and Harris especially need the extra attention I could give.

Cuti cuti cuti......more cuti

2008-08-17T10:10:00.000+08:00

OOOh wow! Lazy lazy lazy to sit down in front of the computer and write additional input to the blog.....been busy with other activities, which I would never have the time to do if it's not for this long leave....thank you, Allah! This is just one of the many blessings which comes in the same packaging as the cancer itself.
It's another school holiday and this time, just an appointment with the doctor is in the calender during this school holiday .The kids are gonna be happier this time....Hopefully ,the result of the hook needle biopsy done last week is good.
What am I saying, ....either way it is gonna be good.It is what's coming my way, I have to accept it and make good of it...see the good side of it, learn to live with it and enjoy the time I have with my family.
Each day is gonna be a special day...yesterday was special, because my remaining hair was cut short, really short by my dear hubby...until they matches the length of the newly grown hair...he was more amused with his work, I figured. ..Now, my hair is even shorter than any of my boys' hair...Harris said, "Mama looks like perempuan ganas" Darling said" Mama looks like Sharifah Amani", Hazim said,"Mama looks like Halle Berry"....and I said,"Now, I really look like someone with cancer.."

My brother just gave me a recipe for the treatment of cancer:

Here goes,
broccoli, carrot, white radish, green apple, pegaga, limau kasturi, and plain yogurt to be blended together and add ice cubes if desired...drink this natural concoction of beautiful vegetables every day.
Someone he knows, with an advanced stage of cancer got cured just by taking a glass full of the juice daily.

It doesn't hurt to try...so try away my friends...

Quiet season, July 2008

2008-07-18T09:42:00.000+08:00

whoa...it's been a looong time since I last wrote here..Been busy,..busy ,busy, busy...thinking of what can I do to fill my time with..apart from the usual stuff,that is.
Got a call from Ju 5F 1999, had a long talk..What a wonderfully nice girl..betul taak Andy from Miri? Bonn from the same class also called quite a while ago.Dr. Noris also made a loooong call before she got married.Wonderful kids, that year...kindly allowed themselves to be pushed hard for the grades...I really miss spending time with the kids.Those were the days...
Well, what am I gonna do now...I suppose there are actually a million and one thing that can be done..all I need to do is to focus on getting better while doing whatever I choose to do.
lots h2o, exercise, good food(read: healthy food) and good reading.

Long time no see...

2008-06-08T14:20:00.000+08:00

Oh boy...it's been a long time since I check the site.
Hello, Hanisah!I'll be in KL for another 2 weeks..gimme a call..we might be able to meet up.
Hi, Nini...hope everything goes well with you over there..do take care..yeap.. hopefully we'll meet again during k.wid's wedding...

I've started my radiotherapy session on the 27th of June.It is a daily routine..go to the RT room, change to robe,lie on the platform, someone will start drawing using a marker on my partly exposed body...drawing,mind you....Been teaching the kids about latitude and longitude all these years and...what do you know..now I have someone drawing over my body, the margin lines ,strictly according to the exact longitude and latitude as prepared in the plan. Life is amazing...
After a while, I simply got used to the uneasy feeling that comes with the routine..it is simply 'mind over matter' thing.Yeah..I have to to thank God for all I'm blessed with..what's a little uneasiness due to 'invasion of privacy', compared to all the easy path I've gone through ever since I was diagnosed with breast cancer.

Managed to get the kids, minus Hazim to KL to be with me the whole of school holidays..Once again, their school holidays coincide with mommy's medical treatment..poor kids.But then again, as little Haiqal put it,"If not for mama's cancer , we won't be spending this much time with you, huh mama?You'll be busy working..."That brought tears to my eyes.I recalled the time arwah Hilman protested my working over school holidays,"surely you didn't have to do the school schedule each holiday, mama!"And that made me feel worse..

Oh dear God!I am not complaining.I'm blaming myself for not paying enough attention to my own kids.Thank You God, for making me see,what I needed to.Thank you Allah swt, for allowing me to spend more time with my kids these days...

Another cancer story

2008-05-21T14:48:00.000+08:00

It has been one good after-chemo-effect this time around. Alhamdulillah...Phew,.. it has been 6 months since I first detected my cancer. 6 rounds of chemotherapy have passed and I'm going for the radiotherapy treatment soon.If everything goes well as planned, I will start the treatment next Monday, May the 26th.I will have to go through 20 sessions, which means a full 4 weeks of radiotherapy. I hope I will get through it easily.

Just today, I've heard such a heart breaking story of a young lady who died, due to leukemia, 33 days after she delivered her first born. She didn't even knew she had leukemia. She had complications after the birth of her baby, but she didn't have the slightest idea about the disease. She kept asking her brothers and sisters ,who took turn taking care of her to let her eat something for she is going to die soon. The doctors advised them not to feed her anything, so they didn't. Only 2 days before she died the doctors managed to identify leukemia as the cause of her troubled state of health. This was 20 years ago, the lady was 23 years old.May Allah bless her soul..AlFatihah..
I wonder if there is anything anyone can do to make sure people detect cancer of any kind, as early as possible,or to recognize the symptoms if there's any, to make sure they get the necessary treatment.

Bye,bye chemotherapy, hello radiotherapy

2008-05-14T09:03:00.000+08:00

Thank God, the last session of chemotherapy went very well. I feel like I am filled up to the brim with the drug, after the sixth session. I was so looking forward to finishing the regime, I hastily agreed to go back to KL for the plan drawing session at the radiotherapy unit. Alhamdulillah, although I am feeling a bit tired, I managed to to go through it, the waiting and all.
While waiting for my turn, I looked around and what do you know, there are a lot of people are going through the same thing as I do. There are old and young, there are kids too.How my heart feels for the kids, so young and yet they have to go through this experience.I bet this enriched experience will only make them stronger.
The session took some 45 minutes of drawing and laser pointing and drawing again and more laser pointing, and bla bla..Sometimes I felt like a chicken prepared for microwave cooking. They put you on the table and they hurriedly went inside a glass cubicle, watching as the rays are directed towards my partly exposed body. Then, they came out, drawing the lines to make sure they cover the required margin, poking here and there as they work on it. They then hurriedly went inside the cubicle to repeat the procedure to make sure their calculation is correct..
I was so relieved when finally it was over, then they told me, the real radiotherapy session will only take 15 mins per session.Thank God..
Managed to get the 3pm bus home to Penang.I had to rush home, the kids are having their semester examination. They need their mom to listen to their excuses on why they can't score ,in each paper..ha..ha..

Four days away from my last chemo session....

2008-05-05T10:46:00.000+08:00

Alhamdulillah...my last session of chemotherapy is this Saturday, 10th of May 2008, Mothers' day.
I do know with this infusion, it will be days of "totally no more hair "days....but, I could care less..What is more important is, I still manage to live a normal life with my kids and dear hubby.We had fun celebrating my 44th birthday last Saturday, lots of eating and fun, I am so grateful to God for blessing me with a wonderful husband and sons, thoughtful homeroom kids...thank you to those who called and sms-ed to wish me well...
Although I do not personally know Tan Sri SM Nasimuddin, I somehow feel sorry for Puan Sri for her loss. Just imagine, someone dear who has been her pillar of strength during her treatment days is suddenly gone with cancer being the cause. May Allah bless his soul, and may Allah bless his family.
For each and everyone of us, life will eventually come to its end. It is really up to us to choose how to live our lives. So, it is up to choose carefully, bearing in mind, there is an afterlife....

Blessing in disguise...

2008-04-29T09:48:00.000+08:00

Sometimes, in our life there are things that happen which we wish it wouldn't happen. Sometimes, we wish for something to happen but it never did. Fortunately, if we continue to have faith in God and we believe that whatever took place in our life, each has its own reason, everything will turn out alright in the end.
I never thought that I would have so much time in my hand to spend with my children...and now it's happening...at the expense of having cancer...Not bad at all....
I can really relate to Lynnette's situation(Desperate Housewives) when she was diagnosed with lymphoma cancer. How much she wanted to protect her children's feelings while taking care of her own emotional turmoil while undergoing her treatments.I wish my "Tom" would continue to have the patience for me...now and forever..

hairy hairy hairy gone days.....

2008-04-24T09:43:00.000+08:00

Alhamdulillah, thank God ,this time there's no more headache, nauseated feeling after the chemotherapy session. This time, it's the 'hair gone' days......clumps and clumps of my hair move from my head to almost anything...Lucky for me, Hafiz was there to give me the hug I needed most that very moment, seeing all those hair all over the bedroom...God knows best...Hafiz didn't get the transfer to his old school, but he gets to go to another afternoon session school.So that, he will be there for his mom in the morning.
Those phone calls from my darling also made me feel I am lucky to have people care for me..during this trying period.
Thank God I am kind of over the hair loss mourning period now...Today I feel so much better...

1 day after chemo no. 5

2008-04-18T10:58:00.000+08:00

Thank You God, for everything...
Hubby can fetch me from KL...taking time off right through the weekend...
Got to meet zuw@paris and had such fun time, too bad the rest couldn't make it...
Got to meet ieka and had such wonderful time...
Everything went well with the chemotherapy session...
Visits from Humaira' and safwan, Kak Rehan ,Abg, Timan and kids...
For wonderful brothers and sisters who are always supporting me...
For understanding children who getting more matured each day, who are learning to be more independent..
For "hello what's up ?"calls from shahriman@tarabas, farris anak hr arifah, cheepon...
etc..etc..etc..

Hello again, my babies!!

2008-04-14T23:48:00.000+08:00

Oh my!Oh my! It has been a long time ,Hanisah ,kan? It feels sooo good to hear from my Balik Pulau kids again.The other day my friend was telling me about Farah Yasmin.She happens to be a friend of Farah's mother. I hope everything is going very well for you kids...InsyaAllah, we will meet again. God has been generous with me...You wonderful kids are His gift to me...even for a limited time, we did our share of mother-children affair; they were my Kenangan Terindah.
Ikhsan dear, thank you very much for saying hi...It was very sweet of Shima to do that!Hope you are doing well. You are coming back for the summer?Oh, okay...would be nice to hear from you then.Just give me a call when you are in town.
My fifth chemotherapy session would be on Thursday, April 17th. I seriously hope that this time it's going to be just...like before or better. It should be better, because this time I get to set a date with my Balik Pulau kids, Zuw and may be,Adha...
Thank God, for these beautiful children...

Managing illness your way....

2008-04-10T19:26:00.000+08:00

Just found out that a friend of mine was diagnosed with lung cancer just about the same time I discovered my breast cancer. Didn't know where to start, so I sent a message to her just in case, she would love to share her experience with me. She called me almost right away and we got on talking about the many stages of our treatment and bla,bla,bla...
Hmm...sometimes it is really true for me, if you can actually talk about your illness and the treatment that comes with it with someone who went through the same thing, it will make you feel better. Somehow, I wonder if there is anyone who just discovered she has breast cancer and need to talk to someone and couldn't find any...
Or worse still, is there anyone who refused to go for treatment just because there is no support from her immediate family....
Things could be even worse if she didn't want to seek treatment because she is so afraid that other people will know about her illness and worry about what other people might say..
Oh well, I guess each and everyone have our own opinion regarding our own well being.

I guess I have to thank God for giving me the strength to live as normal as possible while going through the treatment.
Thank God for a very supportive husband who has given me his love and care all the time..may God bless him...

Ladies gathering April 2008

2008-04-09T10:45:00.000+08:00

OOOooh...there was so much fun at the gathering of long lost friends,friends whom we grew up with, who were there during our ups and downs as teenagers...How wonderful it is to meet up with our beloved friends.There were so many to talk about, so many stories to listen to, millions of memories to recall.
There were lots of laughter and there were some tears shed.We were touched by each other's life story. That just showed how much we care...about one another.At other times, life just don't permit us of such luxury, to care for another. We are so busy running our own life, going up and downhill in our journey of life.There are just too many things to accomplish in this short time, we sometimes forget to take a break, to spend time with our loved ones...
Thank You, God! Thank you for your wonderful gift: beautiful, caring friends.
Thank You,Jeff and Zana! Thank you for being such a perfect host & hostess! Love you, for all your care and concern..
Thank You,Zu and Liz and Uji,...for being there in time of need...
Thank You, Boy@Duni, Ham, Aiee, Pagyd, Ina Jup,Yat, Elis, Hatta for the calls and such..
Thank You for those whose names I do not include here, thank you for your support...

A different kind of side effect. this time..

2008-04-02T14:50:00.000+08:00

Ooooh...these last few days had been a bit tough, could it be the new drug administered? could it be my body is losing its strength in fighting the side effect?Been a bit tired and sometimes I get headaches every now and then. Thank God, it is not that bad compared to what I read about other cancer patients' responses to the chemotherapy drugs.

Somehow, I feel that the best therapy is to be happy. Focus on being happy..Be happy that this didn't happen to me much earlier lest my parents would be the ones more worried about my cancer....Be happy that my children are bigger now to understand what's happening to their mom....Be happy that I could still have the appetite to eat to make sure that my good cells will be back to their normal state and I will be able to go for my next chemo without any problem...

Chemo no.4, phewwit!!!!

2008-03-28T21:30:00.000+08:00

Alhamdulillah...as always my chemo session is a breeze...thank god...There are many contributing factors I could think of..my outing with zu and zana the night before really was so much fun, we had good laughs just like during our school days, somehow it really lifted my spirit( even washed away the frustration due to hubby couldn't be in KL with me this time).Having my aunt Mak Lang accompanying me back to Penang is also a factor, thak you Ilah and adik Daliza for lending me your mom.....

Dr Z told me it is a different type of drug this time, so I started to worry..uh oh...is it gonna be different this time?Will the side effect get to me this time????Just have to wait and see...
So far so good...

Today, Farris and Redh and En Roslan and the gang visited me...we had to meet at Puncak pemandangan Indah Balik Pulau..due to some unfortunate coincidence...silly me..but it was kind of nice although I couldn't offer any refreshment as all the stalls are closed.Thank, guys! It was sweet of you to pay me a visit.

Thank you, Allah for all your blessing..Thank you, Ya Rahman, Ya Rahim...

busy doing nothing...

2008-03-24T14:02:00.000+08:00

One of the things that really worries me about not doing anything relating to work is ,I feel totally lost..No wonder some people say that working is also a form of therapy.On the other hand, being able to rest in between chemotherapy sessions seems working so well with me. I might as well rest and focus on getting better and everything else will fall in its places in due time.

It seems ages since I last wrote, but I am totally fine. I am scheduled for my fourth session of chemotherapy this Thursday, so I am heading to KL again this week.
The boys are also in good shape, happy to be around mom again. It is just wonderful to be together again, doing nothing...

Nausea, ....urgh!

2008-03-12T10:48:00.000+08:00

That nauseated feeling has been creeping in every now and then.My sister, a retired nurse said that is due to lack of rest the day I did my third chemotherapy. Well, that is something to think about, so, next time no more expedition on the the day of the chemo session! It's lousy feeling, this nausea,...but, other than that, I have no complaint, Thank you, Allah!
Sometimes, it is easy to feel that hey, I need all the support my boys and hubby during these uncomfortable time.On the other hand, they are the ones that need the support. It is not fun to see a mum whose hair is thinning, who doesn't have the energy like she used to have to take them anywhere they wish to go. Luckily for me, these boys are some creative bunch.They just do silly, creative things to fill their time.One of the video clip is for sharing here.
Really, it is not easy to not feel depressed to see your hair which supposed to be on your head lying everywhere else...I know ,it's gonna grow back..but..this is what they say, your self esteem gets lower as your hair gets thinner....betul tak, Uji?

Day 2 Chemo 3

2008-03-07T07:48:00.000+08:00

Alhamdulillah, my third Chemotherapy session yesterday was as easy as I wished for. Thank you, Allah, thank you, Allah.
As planned earlier, hubby and I would board an executive express bus to Penang. Silly me, I thought that there will no problem getting the ticket, so I didn't book earlier.
Lesson to be learned: Be prepared!
We were at the KTM at almost 5pm , the bad news is,the 6pm bus is already full and the next bus available is at 8pm.We decided to kill the waiting time by taking the train to Mid Valley to get something to eat.I was quite nervous,my mind was saying,this is my third chemo and the side effect could be different, could be worse, and it could be immediate.My heart is saying, no,no,no...everything is going to be just fine.So off we went to board the train.
It was a nice trip and we managed to get back just in time to catch the bus.
Lesson to be learned: Be mindful but follow your heart!
We got the last two seats available, and of course that means sitting at the very end of the bus.Another challenge here! Now, I told myself ,"Just imagine you are sleeping in a baby's cradle and someone is bouncing the cradle up and down gently,..just get some beautiful sleep!" That's what I did, and I had a good sleep until we reached Penang at 1 am.
Lesson to be learned: Be creative and think positively,praise God and you will be just fine!

Friends, friends, and more friends....thank you!

2008-03-05T11:14:00.000+08:00

One of the best things which came up with my breast cancer is to realise that I have lots and lots of caring friends. They come in many shapes and sizes, old and young and forever young ones too.

They are such supportive groups of people. Inilah yang dikatakan hikmah! I get to hear from lots of long lost friends from my secondary school. Lots of love and concern from Balik Pulau group. From Kulim, the support come continuously and endlessly. The sCope group, the Auckland group,the cancer survivors group,etc..Thank You, dear friends.Thank you, God! for blessing me with such caring friends.

Really, it doesn't take a long,long talk or letter to lift up the spirit of someone who's down with cancer.
A simple sms would just do wonders.Trust me!

What to expect when you have cancer!

2008-03-05T09:56:00.000+08:00

Apart from the medical aspects, there are indeed many other unexpected things that could happen to you when you have cancer.
During my stay in the hospital, a few cancer survivors have shared with me their thoughts and experiences.
One said, you may experience some form of uncomfortable side effects from the chemotherapy drugs, but you have to learn to be strong so your kids won't be emotionally affected. Alhamdulillah, so far I have managed to live almost like my normal life, minus the work.I actually miss the working part.

Another said, there are things that other people might say about your illness which will make you sad. Of course, each one of us is entitled to our own opinion. It is good to widen your knowledge by reading more about your illness to understand it better, and you will feel so much better to deal with all kind of advices you get every now and then.

Another lady said, it is better to be more forgiving to what other people might say or do to you. We tend to be more sensitive, and the best thing to to do would be to forgive, forgive and forgive.Forgive other people for their words and action that may have hurt you. Forgive yourself for being more sensitive than usual. Forgive the nurses who have to give you that jab you need! Ouch!

It is true ;Knowledge is power, you have to keep seeking knowledge. Read, talk to people who have experience, and do more research to upgrade yourself spiritually and emotionally. You will be feeling much, much better than just sitting around, moping all day, feeling sorry you have this illness.

Chemo number 3....

2008-03-04T21:13:00.001+08:00

It is a day away from my next chemotherapy session, and usually this is the most trying time.The anxiety, the worries, the uncomfortable feeling which I believe only a cancer sufferer who has to go through chemotherapy would understand. During these days, any comforting word or gesture from immediate family member would be well received and is actually much needed.
If anyone of you happen to have a family member who has to go through chemotherapy session, the least you could do is cheer him/her up during this trying period. No fancy poster or balloon needed,a big smile and a hug would be a great, soothing act.
To anyone who is also a cancer sufferer, it is always wise to get your strength from God. Never put high hopes on other people to provide support because we are all human who have our own weaknesses. Strength should be built from inside with help from God, none other than God.

Back to Penang!

2008-02-29T21:49:00.000+08:00

Discharged from the hospital before noon.Glad the operation went very well meaning no pain, no nauseated feeling after the operation, it just went very, very well.Thank You, God! I feel so good that I drove all the way to Penang despite protest from Along, who is supposed to do the driving. Ha..ha..it gave me a great pleasure being able to do things I used to enjoy such as driving to Penang.I felt quite sure that it will do me no harm. InsyaAllah.

Athene, don't worry,I 'll drop by tanpa segan silu to see that cute, cuddly Hussin. No rush to see me, go ahead and get busy with your campaign.We'll do the catching up later, okay!

My next chemotherapy session will be on the 6th of March, which means I will have to go to KL on Tuesday for the blood test. Wednesday will be a day of leisure and fun with cikEda who will also happen to be in KL this week. I pray to God that this 3rd session will also be as delightful as the first and the second one. How time flies! It is already going to be halfway through the chemotherapy sessions. Oh yes, yesterday, Rosliya, said that the new drug has arrived.The drug is said to be able to counter the 'hair fall' side effect. Hmmm...I am not sure whether to be happy or not to hear that news. I have already visualized myself being bald.Thank You, God for making those researchers to keep on working on such helpful, wonderful drug to help out cancer sufferer like me.

Thank You for your comments, guys and gals!

2008-02-27T21:46:00.000+08:00

Friends and all my children, thank you for reading through my posts and for giving your comments. It is so much fun to keep in touch with you people through the blog. No more fiddling with the tiny buttons on my mobile to reply the messages.

Wan, feel free to come over to Balik Pulau to have some fun, our style! :>. Guess what? Haiqal and Harris will be back to their old school in Balik Pulau, gonna cause some headaches for the teachers.

Shima a.k.a PJ, feel free to call me when you are in KL. If I happen to be in KL, we might be able to meet up and I'll be glad to bully you again. Yeah, you are lucky Haiqal was too young to remember what you used to do to scare(gempaq) him. Otherwise, you will have to face his why and why and why questions...

Hafiz, it was talking to you the other day..may be can continue the chat over a basketfull of durians in May, ha..ha..do continue with your important mission, dear! I know you will succeed to reach your target.GO Go Hafiz.....

Awal/Early, didn't know you did have a gf? Takpelah..kumpullah duit nak top up credit tu ya..

Another operation tomorrow, pheww!

2008-02-27T21:13:00.000+08:00

Oh boy oh boy! I am scheduled for yet another operation tomorrow. Removing the old
chemo port which refused to function properly. I hope and pray to God that this one will be just a breeze as the other operations before this.
Then, on Friday we will be shooting off to Penang where we belong. Hurray, hurray!To the beautiful beaches, the wonderful smell of durians during the good season, the lousy bridge jam, delicious prawn mee(betul-betul Hor liau) and so on and so on...Thank You God, for all the beautiful things in life!

Moving back to Penang!

2008-02-25T16:31:00.000+08:00

After spending a beautiful Saturday on the beach with the boys; my four sons and hubby, I was thinking, it would be just nice to be closer to my whole family again, in Penang. God has given me this time-off to be closer to my family, instead, I split up the family thinking that could be the best arrangement. I guess, I made the wrong decision to stay in KL. Watching the sun set, I told myself, this is where I need to be.Penang! The place I have learned to love, the place I have been for the last 20 years. Balik Pulau, is such a perfect, laid back, beautiful place to live life in the slow, very slow lane. Everything is just perfect here, the fish head curry, the laksa janggus, the beaches, the durian season chaos. What bliss to be missed!
I will just have to be in KL for my treatment, which is every 3 weeks. In between, I can actually spend quality time with my kids.

My former students are my strong supporters,.Thanks, Guys and gals!

2008-02-25T15:59:00.000+08:00

There are many, many good things I have learned to appreciate after I found out about my prognosis. Among them is, I have lots of caring former students who made some effort to give the support in various ways. Some even went out of their way to show their concern.
Thank you, Athene, for the love and concern from you and your family, for your lovely dish and your plants etc. may God bless you.
To Dla who took 2 days leave from work just to accompany me during my hospital stay.
To Azzim, Thank you , dear!for your worries and concern!
To Shima a.k.a PJ.Thank You, dear for your thoughts and care!
To Faiz tkn, who never fail to give me your funny stories of your life every now and then.
To Epoh , thank you for asking everyone to pray for my recovery in your you tube channel(by the way, the videos were great although very , very I would say, untimely)
To Zuw, who attempted but never did make it to see me, for your thoughtfulness,
To Cheepon and family,sorry to dissapoint you.I had to go back to penang,my son needs my support last weekend.
Thank You, Dr Ija! for your advice!
Faris KMK, Thanks for your news updating.
Red KMK, thanks for you care and concern.
KMK MPP, thanks for the visit!
Pudin and family,thank you for visiting and the words of courage.
Thank You Imran Md Roslan, Ainuddin, Khosim, for calling!
To Alan, Mr.Early, Azwa, Farah, Naim, Azha Zain, Azwar, Adha,Dhyana, Ainaa and the rest.Thank You for your well wishes.
May God Bless all of you....may we meet again.

Message from a dear friend.

2008-02-25T15:56:00.000+08:00

A Beautiful HadithRasulullah (Sallallahu alaihe wasallam) said: 'When a man dies and hisrelatives are busy in funeral, there stands an extremely handsome man by his head. When the dead body is shrouded, that man gets in between theshroud and the chest of the deceased.When after the burial, the people return home, 2 angels, Munkar andNakeer(names of two special Angels), come in the grave and try to separate this handsome man so that they may be able to interrogate the dead man inprivacy about his faith. But the handsome man says, 'He is my companion, heis my friend. I will not leave him alone in any case. If you are appointed for interrogation, do your job. I cannot leave him until I get him admittedinto Paradise '.Thereafter he turns to his dead companion and says, 'I am the Qur'an, whichyou used to read, sometimes in a loud voice and sometimes in a low voice. Do not worry. After the interrogation of Munkar and Naker, you will have nogrief.'When the interrogation is over, the handsome man arranges for him fromAl-Mala'ul A'laa (the angels in Heaven) silk bedding filled with musk. Rasulullah (Sallallahu alaihe wasallam) said: 'On the Day of Judgement,before Allah, no other Intercessor will have a greater status than theQur'an, neither a Prophet nor an angel.'Please keep forwarding this 'Hadith' to all because Rasulullah (Sallallahu alaihe wasallam) said:'Pass on knowledge from me even if it is only one verse'.May Allah bestow this favour on all of us.AMEEN

Day 3 Chemo 2

2008-02-16T17:57:00.000+08:00

Went out with my 3 girlfriends late last night, we had fun just nibbling(betulke?)good food and talking and laughing! Meeting old friends would usually make one feel younger just talking about the good old days. Thank You, God! Thank You for the friends I have to share fun and sorrow.

These last few days, my hair have been falling more than usual, and I am aware that I am definitely going to be bald but I still can't help feeling a bit under the weather.As a result, Hubby and Hafiz came down from North to be here with me....Thank You, Allah! Thank You for a caring hubby. Hafiz did a wonderful job massaging his mom's aching shoulder. Thank God when you are blessed with such wonderful son.(betulke, Hafiz :>)

Today, after breakfast and a walk in the park, I really felt strong, strong enough to drive to PutraJaya and it really, really made me feel good.Thank You, God!for the strength. Even Haiqal,my youngest son, said cheekily,"If it wasn't for your cancer,Mom, we wouldn't be here just yet!" Yeah, yeah, with all the work and what not, why on earth would we be sightseeing in PutraJaya? We would be in our own house, taking care of chores during weekend, dozing off every now and then while the kids go swimming.

Late afternoon, a former student,Amir, came with his wife and son.What a good feeling to see him again. Meeting my former student who has grown into a responsible young man really made me feel good. Thanks for the visit, Amir!

That's my Hilman!

2008-02-15T14:15:00.000+08:00

The picture posted on my profile is a picture of my darling son, Hilman who has left the worldly world at the a young age of 17. He was playing football on his campus ground, suddenly complained of splitting headache and asked to be rushed to the hospital. I was told he had brain hemorrhage due to aneurysm. He slipped into comma that evening, and by the time we reached the hospital my firstborn was just lying still on the bed.Three days later, on Friday the 13th of October 2006, he passed away peacefully in front of his parents and brothers,all the aunts and uncles,cousins,teachers and friends.It was 10 days before AidilFitri.What can I say, except thank God for making it easy for me to face this test. I truly miss him dearly.

My Second Chemotheraphy

2008-02-15T12:41:00.000+08:00

Yesterday I had my second dose of chemotherapy . I hope this second cycle will be a breeze just like the first one. There are so many things you hope for when you are in this situation. You can always ask from God for anything at all.That's what keep people going in times like this. In addition, having such wonderful family and a string of friends who shows concern is definitely a bonus. You just couldn't ask for more.

In times like this, I appreciate my previous job for it gives me a string of ex students who wish me well. Some visited, many called and sent lovely messages and make me feel lucky to have crossed paths with these wonderful people. These students have now grown into responsible young adults and seeing them just made feel good to have been a part of their lives. It's true, happiness comes in many forms. Start counting your blessings, and you will not have a reason to complain when you are struck with cancer.

My boys[ hubby and my remaining 4 sons (my eldest son passed away at the age of 17 in October, 2006) ]are really angels. They are my pillars of strength.My cancer has changed their lives quite a bit. Well, to some, may be a bigger bit! We are nevertheless hopeful that I am going to pull through this test, and become one family again. At the moment I am staying at Mariam's place [ Thank You Allah, for Mariam & Napi and sons who insisted to have me and my 2 sons stay at their house during my long term treatment in Kuala Lumpur] with my two younger ones, the third stays with hubby and my number 2 is staying at a hostel. Initially the idea of breaking up the family was painful for all of us, but after thinking that this is the best solution, we all gave in. Everyone of them showed their best effort to be extra nice to mama. These are the kinds of gifts from Allah that sometimes I take for granted, my wonderful family.

Their year end school holiday last year was a time that they will remember well. I was diagnosed with breast cancer and and had to go through 2 operations in 4 weeks . Luckily for them, they have their Maklong to look after them in my absence from home. Dear God, thank you for giving us Maklong.

Paklang and Maklang or Tok Wan and Tok to the kids are the ones cooking for them all the time I was hospitalised. Only God knows how much I really value their wonderful gestures. Thank You, Dear God! for Paklang and Maklang. I still cannot believe the coincidence that took place when Hilman, my firstborn died. Paklang's flight from Mecca was earlier that the scheduled date and that made it possible for Pak Lang to be around to help out with Hilman's funeral arrangement. With all these gifts from God, I don't have grounds to complain about my lost. There are indeed so many, many good things happened in my life, and I really have to focus on those.